I Genuinely Can't Take It Anymore! :)

[Casualfanboy16]

I'm just tired right now and not because I just woke up. I'm just really exhausted. I'm upset. I think the only things keeping me going rn are the friends I have both online and irl (even though it's hard to meet up with my irl friends a majority of the time); my cats, and the shred of will and hope I have that things will start looking up. I'm not entirely suicidal, but as election day approaches and I've barely done anything to research on people because I'm kinda depressed and wanting to keep a slither of a will to live, but don't wanna self-diagnose, I'm kinda just feeling emptier and apathetic towards my own suffering than usual. I wish something good would finally happen to me, but I think that's asking for too much. Part of me thinks I deserve this. I just wish I could go back to sleep. Maybe hibernate as Winter approaches. I wish I could sort all my mental problems out in my sleep because when I'm awake everything just feels worse and I'm tired of ranting when nothing is getting better and I don't know how hard I have to fall to make it happen. I just wanna sleep all day. It's not fair that I have to keep going through my own bullshit every day. A lot of it's my fault. Even though I'm getting out and everything, somehow everything's just so exhausting. Myself, people, the world. I can't keep bearing all the weight of everything at fucking 21 years old. People have it worse than I do, but still. I wish I just had someone who understands this hopelessness, this emptiness. My parents aren't making this easier, but that's a different topic and I'm just tired right now. I know it'll pass, but I just don't know when.

[Casualfanboy16]

3 hours ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

I'm just tired right now and not because I just woke up. I'm just really exhausted. I'm upset. I think the only things keeping me going rn are the friends I have both online and irl (even though it's hard to meet up with my irl friends a majority of the time); my cats, and the shred of will and hope I have that things will start looking up. I'm not entirely suicidal, but as election day approaches and I've barely done anything to research on people because I'm kinda depressed and wanting to keep a slither of a will to live, but don't wanna self-diagnose, I'm kinda just feeling emptier and apathetic towards my own suffering than usual. I wish something good would finally happen to me, but I think that's asking for too much. Part of me thinks I deserve this. I just wish I could go back to sleep. Maybe hibernate as Winter approaches. I wish I could sort all my mental problems out in my sleep because when I'm awake everything just feels worse and I'm tired of ranting when nothing is getting better and I don't know how hard I have to fall to make it happen. I just wanna sleep all day. It's not fair that I have to keep going through my own bullshit every day. A lot of it's my fault. Even though I'm getting out and everything, somehow everything's just so exhausting. Myself, people, the world. I can't keep bearing all the weight of everything at fucking 21 years old. People have it worse than I do, but still. I wish I just had someone who understands this hopelessness, this emptiness. My parents aren't making this easier, but that's a different topic and I'm just tired right now. I know it'll pass, but I just don't know when.

I'm just like feeling emptier and more worthless than usual. Even when I went out with friends yesterday, I couldn't shake my thoughts. I'm just tired of my life. My inability to do anything. My overall apathy towards everything going on in the world. My desire to just destroy myself at every turn, even when I want to have fun. I don't want to be like this much longer. I just feel like an awful person because I keep coming here and now matter what I'm trying to do, nothing is getting any better. I've grown cynical as election time approaches. I've done nothing to further my understanding of all the stupid bullshit because I'm stuck in my own despair. I just want to give up. Not die, but just fall asleep for a while. I just don't have it in me to participate in life anymore. It's pathetic, but I don't know how to cope with anything. I wish I had someone who wasn't religious just fucking listen to me and understands *exactly* what I'm going through. It's so hard to reach out to the new people I've been wanting to hang with because they're all busy with their own lives. I know people aren't obligated to postpone their lives for me. I'm just lonely and hopeless.

[AnonSan]

Hi Casual,

 

With the election, cold season, and holidays coming up, it's no surprise that everything feels DRAINING. While I may not understand everything you may be going through right now, I can relate to the hopelessness, emptiness, and wanting stay sleeping all day from shit circumstances from 2020-mid 2022.  Reaching the lowest point on top of growing pains ultimately pushed me to the edge enough to take initiative in changing my circumstances and mindset that is within my own control- perhaps this will emerge for you too, or is already starting. Even though I was able to get out of my former situation, there are certain, self-apathetic parts of me I am still working on with the help from my therapist. One thing my therapist emphasized is  acknowledging my cringey, self-loathing past nonjudgmentally. This process is ongoing, so I am not 100% what he means entirely, but what it sounds like reducing the persistent cycle of self-criticism -> rumination -> negative self-loathing requires forgiving yourself and reinforce positive affirmations of yourself ("I am compassionate, diligent, and eccentric, etc.). 

 

I've noticed that my negative rumination usually emerges when I am too idle or leaving a bad interaction. I also get invasive thoughts at times whenever I hang out with with a big group of friends of 6+ people that it is hard to keep track of conversations, but that's just me and my introverted self that can only handle 1-3 people at a time. Regardless, keeping the mind occupied and productive goes a long way, no matter how frivolous the activity after leaving the work grind. You also just started hanging out with friends irl, which takes time given everyone's busy schedules, With your most recent update, however, it sounds like your parents are not giving you the space and respect in trying change your living circumstances for the better (perhaps they triggered your sense of dread?). Establishing clear boundaries is needed by telling them (respectfully) that you will no longer engage in unproductive conversations that do not help establish your ability to be independent once they kick the can. And if they continue to do so would you can get up and leave to your room instead.  

[Casualfanboy16]

40 minutes ago, AnonSan said:

Reaching the lowest point on top of growing pains ultimately pushed me to the edge enough to take initiative in changing my circumstances and mindset that is within my own control- perhaps this will emerge for you too, or is already starting.

I sure hope so. It's been hard to take initiative because it feels exhausting to do much right now.

 

42 minutes ago, AnonSan said:

This process is ongoing, so I am not 100% what he means entirely, but what it sounds like reducing the persistent cycle of self-criticism -> rumination -> negative self-loathing requires forgiving yourself and reinforce positive affirmations of yourself ("I am compassionate, diligent, and eccentric, etc.). 

I could try that. I guess it's just harder because my parents just keep putting me in situations where I don't feel like my thoughts are being valued. They see me as naive when I do speak, and they accused me of the same thing that few days ago when I just didn't have it in me to say anything back.

 

44 minutes ago, AnonSan said:

You also just started hanging out with friends irl, which takes time given everyone's busy schedules,

Yeah, I get people are busy and can't revolve their lives around me. I just get lonely sometimes because I don't have much connection like I used to in school and church youth group when people were around more often.

 

47 minutes ago, AnonSan said:

With your most recent update, however, it sounds like your parents are not giving you the space and respect in trying change your living circumstances for the better (perhaps they triggered your sense of dread?). Establishing clear boundaries is needed by telling them (respectfully) that you will no longer engage in unproductive conversations that do not help establish your ability to be independent once they kick the can. And if they continue to do so would you can get up and leave to your room instead.

Yeah, my parents are like a huge source of dread for me. One thing they keep bringing up is the dangers of sex trafficking. Guess they learned LGBT people have a higher likelihood of being sex trafficked and I got the entire talk about that. I get the concern and I know it's a very real danger, but God, I can't do anything! It's frustrating because this just feels like the same old manipulation tactic to get me to fear everything. I'm gonna actually try next time they pull this shit.

 

I'm just tired of being called naive and "not taking things seriously" and I'm seriously tired of both my parents doing this bullshit like when can they realize that their precious straight Christian son is long gone? I've just been wanting to get out because I don't feel like an individual. I'm hoping eventually I do get into taking initiative. My circumstances haven't been ideal for a long time and my parents just aren't listening to me.

[AnonSan]

46 minutes ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

Yeah, my parents are like a huge source of dread for me. One thing they keep bringing up is the dangers of sex trafficking. Guess they learned LGBT people have a higher likelihood of being sex trafficked and I got the entire talk about that. I get the concern and I know it's a very real danger, but God, I can't do anything! It's frustrating because this just feels like the same old manipulation tactic to get me to fear everything. I'm gonna actually try next time they pull this shit.

 

I'm just tired of being called naive and "not taking things seriously" and I'm seriously tired of both my parents doing this bullshit like when can they realize that their precious straight Christian son is long gone? I've just been wanting to get out because I don't feel like an individual. I'm hoping eventually I do get into taking initiative. My circumstances haven't been ideal for a long time and my parents just aren't listening to me.

 

You are far more likely to get into a car accident and knife injury in the kitchen than what your parents are fixated on, but that doesn't mean a life of restriction and paranoia solely on calculated risks. Unfortunately, that's how the (fundy) 'Christian' mindset works- fear mongering and intentional control to make sky daddy happy. As long as they are trapped in the evangelical hole, It will take a long time for your parents to actually listen, if they ever do at all, to take you seriously the more you have your mindset and plans put together in the future. 

 

In my case, having a (neutral) trusted, third party outside of the family dynamic finally helped put my parents in place and take accountable for their wayward thinking/actions. What I have been telling my parents in the last decade of my troubled upbringing was never taken seriously or ignored, until my husband stepped in- which only took him 45 minutes in one sitting a few weeks ago. It still bothers me how I had to jump through too many hoops just to get one person my my life to finally advocate me and let me be, but it is what it is. Often, 'old habits die hard' because members within the family unit have become too comfortable with each other that they become metaphorically blind/deaf to the bigger picture. Perhaps once you make more friends, would one of them has a valuable support network for mediation or be one themselves between you and your family.  

[Casualfanboy16]

1 hour ago, AnonSan said:

You are far more likely to get into a car accident and knife injury in the kitchen than what your parents are fixated on, but that doesn't mean a life of restriction and paranoia solely on calculated risks. Unfortunately, that's how the (fundy) 'Christian' mindset works- fear mongering and intentional control to make sky daddy happy. As long as they are trapped in the evangelical hole, It will take a long time for your parents to actually listen, if they ever do at all, to take you seriously the more you have your mindset and plans put together in the future. 

Yeah, that's the hard part right now. My parents' unwillingness to look outside their fundamentalist Christian beliefs for even a fraction of a second to see that I'm at least trying to do some things to make my life better are getting on my nerves. (Trying to go to DND events, trying to reach out to people more, etc, etc). Like, they're fine with me hanging out with 2 friends I have who don't believe in God, but the idea of making LGBT friends of any kind is like the worst for them???? Really weird lol.

 

Anyway, I picked up some kinda medieval fantasy type book from a local Barnes and Noble to just give me something more productive to do, so when I'm in a low mood, or just whenever, I can read that. Might read some after I type this up cuz I enjoy the premise. It sounds calming, I guess??? I still find it hard to read books like ever, so I'm really hoping this isn't just another waste of money, but getting into reading might be productive. It's no self-help type book, but I really want to try just finding something to read.

 

https://www.amazon.com/Legends-Lattes-Novel-Fantasy-Stakes-ebook/dp/B0B3755RV9

 

 

1 hour ago, AnonSan said:

In my case, having a (neutral) trusted, third party outside of the family dynamic finally helped put my parents in place and take accountable for their wayward thinking/actions. What I have been telling my parents in the last decade of my troubled upbringing was never taken seriously or ignored, until my husband stepped in- which only took him 45 minutes in one sitting a few weeks ago. It still bothers me how I had to jump through too many hoops just to get one person my my life to finally advocate me and let me be, but it is what it is. Often, 'old habits die hard' because members within the family unit have become too comfortable with each other that they become metaphorically blind/deaf to the bigger picture. Perhaps once you make more friends, would one of them has a valuable support network for mediation or be one themselves between you and your family.  

Yeah, it's gonna be a while until I get one of those, I think. Although idk if my specific case is gonna do well with a third party. I guess I'm just pessimistic about the idea because the last time that happened the third-party wasn't very neutral lol. It was the pastor.

 

So here's to hoping for the neutral third-party, I guess.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Have you considered that you may be suffering from depression??  Get an appointment with a mental health professional, and tell them what you have told us!!

[Casualfanboy16]

38 minutes ago, Weezer said:

Have you considered that you may be suffering from depression??  Get an appointment with a mental health professional, and tell them what you have told us!!

I've considered it, but I think a big part of my problems stems from all the pressure from my parents to basically be someone I'm not, which is taking a gigantic toll on my mental health. I'm just like, coping the best I can right now. I don't want to self-diagnose myself. I just go through periods of rumination and negative thoughts like any totally normal person ever! 

 

Okay, but I'm gonna be honest, unless I get some like real long-term physical distance from family, no amount of professional help is gonna fix things if I'm constantly returning to the same environment that enables my toxic behaviors/thoughts. Hopefully this doesn't come across as some dumb excuse, but so far my biggest hurdle when trying to improve myself has been my parents, and myself, but parents are a pretty big reason as to why. My parents have been trying extra hard to hold onto that parent-child dynamic as of late, especially with sex trafficking apparently being on the rise, which could be true. But again, this feels really overbearing and helicopter parent-y and I'm not really coping well with it because it just keeps happening and I want to have a normal life and a shot at making friends no matter how paranoid my parents are.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

5 minutes ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

I've considered it, but I think a big part of my problems stems from all the pressure from my parents to basically be someone I'm not, which is taking a gigantic toll on my mental health. I'm just like, coping the best I can right now. I don't want to self-diagnose myself. I just go through periods of rumination and negative thoughts like any totally normal person ever! 

 

Okay, but I'm gonna be honest, unless I get some like real long-term physical distance from family, no amount of professional help is gonna fix things if I'm constantly returning to the same environment that enables my toxic behaviors/thoughts. Hopefully this doesn't come across as some dumb excuse, but so far my biggest hurdle when trying to improve myself has been my parents, and myself, but parents are a pretty big reason as to why. My parents have been trying extra hard to hold onto that parent-child dynamic as of late, especially with sex trafficking apparently being on the rise, which could be true. But again, this feels really overbearing and helicopter parent-y and I'm not really coping well with it because it just keeps happening and I want to have a normal life and a shot at making friends no matter how paranoid my parents are.

 

Casual, this is about personal stuff, so I am taking this to PM.

[older]

Hi Casual:

 

Your situation certainly sucks. You have been very strong in spite of being beaten upon emotionally but it still hurts. Weezer mentions an outside person who can listen and make suggestions on strategies toward some relief. Do give that some thought. Many of us have found it valuable and worthwhile.

 

And, of course, we are always here for you.