I Need Space (Just a word vomit post lol)

[Casualfanboy16]

Space. It's something I've needed for the longest time. My Mom, my Dad, the rest of my family. I was out today with friends. I watched a few movies, went to a few stores. I had fun. Fun I haven't felt in a while.

 

Now I'm back here at home. My Mom is talking about the Rapture and World War 3 in the other room right now. I'm not affected by it as much. Anymore it feels insane to me. I feel so sad. It feels like it's too late for my parents. At this point, they're all consumed by Christian dogma. End times prophecies, World War 3, Democrats are evil and this and that. I think I need to let them go. I can't take them anymore.

 

I'm not exactly ready to move out yet, admittedly I get distracted too easily. I get off course and I still don't feel like an adult even at 21. I feel like an alien in a human skin suit a majority of the time. An imposter. A fake. But at this point, I feel as if getting out there might do something.

 

Don't take this as an invitation to tell me to move out right now. I'll do that at my own pace so I don't feel like I'll explode. I'm just ranting to the void right now because my parents feel too far gone in Christian dogma to be saved. And after such a fun day out, being separated from my parents made me feel alive. Alive for the first time in a while. It feels awful to say such a thing. The ones who raised you, you'd want to be around them, right? But like anymore I have been thinking it's time for a change.

 

I've been struggling a lot... struggling with my overall violently pessimistic, nihilistic, and fatalistic mindset. I struggle with motivation. I struggle with purpose and meaning. I struggle with how I can just never say or do the right things. I struggle with doing the same daily monotonous work grind, only having the limited free time or the weekend to feel vaguely human again. But, the more I think about that stuff, it's not gonna get me anywhere.

 

I realize now that while things may feel hopeless now.. and pointless... and meaningless. That that's okay. If nothing matters in the end. If all these stupid, nihilistic thoughts are right. That if nothing matters and everything is meaningless, then maybe, I can make my own meaning now. I don't get life at all, but tbh once I'm out from under my parents' roof I can find meaning in all this noise. Anymore, I don't care about my parents' approval. If they wanna dabble in Rapture and WW3 religious hysteria I can't help them. 

 

I realize now that even though there's like these feelings I have now, they won't last forever. Soon I'll have my own place. Maybe after hanging out with the  people from the Pride place a few times I might get lucky and get a roommate. I'm just thinking out loud. I would write in a journal, but that doesn't feel right for this. It might just be incoherent word vomiting, but I'm just getting these thoughts out of my head. I've been thinking that soon enough I'm ready to take some more steps before my parents are hopelessly consumed by Christian dogma.

[older]

I can't imagine what it's like to put up with all that crap. The word "sucks" doesn't quite do it. End times Christians — how's that for positive thinking? I guess they think it's positive. That's nuts. Hang in there. 

1 hour ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

I don't get life at all, but tbh once I'm out from under my parents' roof I can find meaning in all this noise. Anymore, I don't care about my parents' approval. If they wanna dabble in Rapture and WW3 religious hysteria I can't help them. 

We were in Yosemite some years ago at the museum and a Miwok woman was there weaving a basket. I sat down near her to watch, and she looked at me and said, "You have to hold and let go.  Hold and let go....To hold on,...one must let go."

[Casualfanboy16]

33 minutes ago, older said:

I can't imagine what it's like to put up with all that crap. The word "sucks" doesn't quite do it. End times Christians — how's that for positive thinking? I guess they think it's positive. That's nuts. Hang in there. 

Yeah it's been steadily getting worse over the years. My Mom was talking about the Rapture and end times shit earlier today and, while I don't believe in it, it feels like every day I'm losing them. I should've gotten out the moment I came out to them. I can't really think positively when all they talk about is how the world is dangerous and mankind is sinful.

 

I'm not a very positive person; nor am realistic thinker. Being a pessimist has been my view of everything for several years. My parents especially don't help with this. My religious environment in which I was stuck in while I was still in school definitely didn't help with this either.

 

48 minutes ago, older said:

We were in Yosemite some years ago at the museum and a Miwok woman was there weaving a basket. I sat down near her to watch, and she looked at me and said, "You have to hold and let go.  Hold and let go....To hold on,...one must let go."

Damn, that's one wise woman. I have been thinking about cutting contact, or at the very least going low contact with my parents once I leave. That's my way to 'let go' I guess. The more I'm around my parents, I just feel... I don't know... distant? I find it hard to watch them sink further and further into right wing evangelical stuff. The more they talk about World War 3 and the Rapture it feels like I'm watching a car crash in slow motion it's actually awful. 

 

At least I got out today. That's something. It just feels sad though. That one day I will leave them. I don't know if I want to contact them anymore after all this. It's too much.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Tell your parents that istening to all the doomsday stuff is depressing.  Find things to do outside.  Do volunteer work somewhere.  Anywhere.  It will get you out of the house and acquainted with the world, and people.  People of all ages.  Perhaps someone older than you might like you and take you "under their wing".  Nursing homes always need volunteers.  Perhaps you would meet someone working there that is looking for a roommate.  Google volunteer work in your area.  Lots of places use them.  When home, listen to music with ear phones.

 

The more people you are around, of all ages, the greater the chance is of something opening up for you.  And it might be something you never thought of before.  But you have to get yourself out of your house before anything different is going to happen.  My parents had a terrible marriage, and when I was your age I stayed gone as much as possible.  Often times not coming home until bedtime.    

[◊ Weezer ◊]

7 minutes ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

At least I got out today. That's something. It just feels sad though. That one day I will leave them. I don't know if I want to contact them anymore after all this. It's too much.

And you can get out again.  And again.  And again.   I have a feeling they will always be there for you.  My parents and I got along much better when it was no longer an everyday thing.  It is natural and normal for the young "bird" to slowly leave the nest and be less and less dependent upon Mom and Pop bird.  Financially and emotionally.   Put your head phones on and savor the memories of the good day you had.  There will be more.

[☆ pantheory ☆]

22 hours ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

Space. It's something I've needed for the longest time. My Mom, my Dad, the rest of my family. I was out today with friends. I watched a few movies, went to a few stores. I had fun. Fun I haven't felt in a while.

 

Now I'm back here at home. My Mom is talking about the Rapture and World War 3 in the other room right now. I'm not affected by it as much. Anymore it feels insane to me. I feel so sad. It feels like it's too late for my parents. At this point, they're all consumed by Christian dogma. End times prophecies, World War 3, Democrats are evil and this and that. I think I need to let them go. I can't take them anymore.

 

I'm not exactly ready to move out yet, admittedly I get distracted too easily. I get off course and I still don't feel like an adult even at 21. I feel like an alien in a human skin suit a majority of the time. An imposter. A fake. But at this point, I feel as if getting out there might do something.

 

Don't take this as an invitation to tell me to move out right now. I'll do that at my own pace so I don't feel like I'll explode. I'm just ranting to the void right now because my parents feel too far gone in Christian dogma to be saved. And after such a fun day out, being separated from my parents made me feel alive. Alive for the first time in a while. It feels awful to say such a thing. The ones who raised you, you'd want to be around them, right? But like anymore I have been thinking it's time for a change.

 

I've been struggling a lot... struggling with my overall violently pessimistic, nihilistic, and fatalistic mindset. I struggle with motivation. I struggle with purpose and meaning. I struggle with how I can just never say or do the right things. I struggle with doing the same daily monotonous work grind, only having the limited free time or the weekend to feel vaguely human again. But, the more I think about that stuff, it's not gonna get me anywhere.

 

I realize now that while things may feel hopeless now.. and pointless... and meaningless. That that's okay. If nothing matters in the end. If all these stupid, nihilistic thoughts are right. That if nothing matters and everything is meaningless, then maybe, I can make my own meaning now. I don't get life at all, but tbh once I'm out from under my parents' roof I can find meaning in all this noise. Anymore, I don't care about my parents' approval. If they wanna dabble in Rapture and WW3 religious hysteria I can't help them. 

 

I realize now that even though there's like these feelings I have now, they won't last forever. Soon I'll have my own place. Maybe after hanging out with the  people from the Pride place a few times I might get lucky and get a roommate. I'm just thinking out loud. I would write in a journal, but that doesn't feel right for this. It might just be incoherent word vomiting, but I'm just getting these thoughts out of my head. I've been thinking that soon enough I'm ready to take some more steps before my parents are hopelessly consumed by Christian dogma.

 

Yeah, you can love your parents but obviously think very different from them. I was luckier than you in that I didn't have to deal with the religious problems with my parents that you have. My mom was quite religious but still typed up some of my homework papers knowing that my religious beliefs were waning, when I was still in college, before the days of home computers knowing that she could do it twice as fast as I could.  My dad was a Christian but did not believe much in organized religion, and sometimes made fun of it.

 

Even well into my adulthood my mom still typed up my research papers knowing that I was a 100% atheist. But unlike my dad, I never made fun of religion.

 

For more than 2000 years now Christians have been talking about, and preparing for the "end times" coming within just a few years. It seems that most are very slow learners concerning the understanding that all of it is simply BS

[older]

22 hours ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

I find it hard to watch them sink further and further into right wing evangelical stuff.

What it is is a mental illness. And there is only so much an outsider can do. You're handling this as best you can under the circumstances. They will probably not change so all you can do is to smile and nod.

[Casualfanboy16]

14 minutes ago, older said:

What it is is a mental illness. And there is only so much an outsider can do. You're handling this as best you can under the circumstances. They will probably not change so all you can do is to smile and nod.

Yeah. It's really unfortunate. At this point I can't really do anything. Feels like they're too stuck in their ways.

[AnonSan]

On 9/28/2024 at 8:58 PM, Weezer said:

And you can get out again.  And again.  And again.   I have a feeling they will always be there for you.  My parents and I got along much better when it was no longer an everyday thing.  It is natural and normal for the young "bird" to slowly leave the nest and be less and less dependent upon Mom and Pop bird.  Financially and emotionally.   Put your head phones on and savor the memories of the good day you had.  There will be more.

 

At this point @Casualfanboy16, it sounds like for your parents to change their mindset, they will HAVE to explore and/or indirectly experience new situations outside of their overly-complacent, evangelical rabbit hole. Perhaps it will be up to you, for years to come, that the more they see you live your own life while not giving a damn about their doomsday and projection BS will they finally wake up and realize life is too short to follow stupid dogma 24/7 over their relationship with their only son. However, realistically speaking, this may take another decade or more to reach that epiphany, if they ever do at all...

 

In the meantime, just keep going outside and continue being creative in your downtime. Find ways to break the "routine grind." Take frequent vacations by traveling solo or with friends to places drastically different from your hometown, if you can, so you don't feel stuck in the same mundane environment. Plus, you can explore new places and try new food!

 

 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

3 hours ago, AnonSan said:

that the more they see you live your own life while not giving a damn about their doomsday and projection BS will they finally wake up and realize life is too short to follow stupid dogma 24/7 over their relationship with their only son. However, realistically speaking, this may take another decade or more to reach that epiphany, if they ever do at all...

It took my mother about 20 years, and Dad died early with his rigid thinking.

[Casualfanboy16]

8 hours ago, AnonSan said:

 

At this point @Casualfanboy16, it sounds like for your parents to change their mindset, they will HAVE to explore and/or indirectly experience new situations outside of their overly-complacent, evangelical rabbit hole. Perhaps it will be up to you, for years to come, that the more they see you live your own life while not giving a damn about their doomsday and projection BS will they finally wake up and realize life is too short to follow stupid dogma 24/7 over their relationship with their only son. However, realistically speaking, this may take another decade or more to reach that epiphany, if they ever do at all...

 

In the meantime, just keep going outside and continue being creative in your downtime. Find ways to break the "routine grind." Take frequent vacations by traveling solo or with friends to places drastically different from your hometown, if you can, so you don't feel stuck in the same mundane environment. Plus, you can explore new places and try new food!

 

 

Yeah, I suppose at this point it's all I can do. I doubt they're gonna change their perspectives for quite some time, so I'll just wait it out and see what happens. I am making an effort to hang with friends and attempt to get together with the people from the one LGBT place.

[Casualfanboy16]

Update, I guess: Parents just told me to come out to the living room and gave me a long talk about sex trafficking dangers and honestly I can't take it anymore. My Mom gave me an entire talk about how she prays for me all the time and how God's going to honor her prayers n stuff and this and that. I didn't say anything this time. I don't see the value in saying anything anymore. My Dad of course went with the usual guilt tripping about the people I talk to on my phone. I just said mostly one word responses because I genuinely don't have any words anymore.

 

The conversation was brought up because I guess one of her friends found somewhere that a pretty big portion of sex trafficking victims are LGBT youth. Well, I already knew this and talked about that however long ago here. Don't remember which post. I'm just tired. I was having such a good day too and the more my parents are around I just feel like I have to get away. I've been apprehensive about flying the nest for a while, but I keep putting up with this. I'm just... really tired of dealing with it!!  (End of rant, I guess. I'm getting sleepy lol).

[☆ moxieflux66 ☆]

 

Hang in there kid 

[older]

What if you just said, "I appreciate your concern but you've said all this before and there is no need to repeat it. I've got some other things I need to do so please excuse me," and left the room.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

On 10/19/2024 at 8:56 PM, moxieflux66 said:

 

Hang in there kid 

 

31 minutes ago, older said:

What if you just said, "I appreciate your concern but you've said all this before and there is no need to repeat it. I've got some other things I need to do so please excuse me," and left the room.

 

DITTO!

[Casualfanboy16]

7 hours ago, older said:

What if you just said, "I appreciate your concern but you've said all this before and there is no need to repeat it. I've got some other things I need to do so please excuse me," and left the room.

I could've done that. I just didn't know what to do at the time because I was exhausted. I haven't been doing too good these past few weeks.... months maybe.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

16 hours ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

I haven't been doing too good these past few weeks.... months maybe.

 

Can you say more about what that is?  Physically?  Emotionally?

[Casualfanboy16]

46 minutes ago, Weezer said:

 

Can you say more about what that is?  Physically?  Emotionally?

Mostly emotionally I'm like kinda down. Idk much about physically, unless self-isolating to preserve my mental health counts as physical stuff, but I'm trying to get out with friends, which sort of works. It's a process.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

11 minutes ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

Mostly emotionally I'm like kinda down. Idk much about physically, unless self-isolating to preserve my mental health counts as physical stuff, but I'm trying to get out with friends, which sort of works. It's a process.

 

Have you seen my post in your other thread?

[Casualfanboy16]

1 minute ago, Weezer said:

 

Have you seen my post in your other thread?

I just responded to it, but I would much rather get away from the parents before anything therapy related so they somehow don't weaponize me trying to heal against me lol

[older]

33 minutes ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

I just responded to it, but I would much rather get away from the parents before anything therapy related so they somehow don't weaponize me trying to heal against me lol

Don't tell them you are going. Sign up for a creative writing class at the local J.C. (you're a good writer) and thus you'll qualify for the campus counseling center.