A Double life, what would you do in this situation?

[Dsred19]

Long story short, I have only recently become an atheist/agnostic? in the last year. But no one knows except a couple close non-religious friends. My husband sees it as a faith struggle and thinks I will come around  eventually even though Intold him probably not (thankfully he doesn’t care whether I do or not) . So I still go to church occasionally and have some friends there, only one of whom knows. My husband was recently deployed overseas for a short time and the whole church wants to help. I certainly could use it as I am juggling 3 kids and a new job on my own. But it feels weird. Most are good friends who I think would help regardless, but I am not willing to discuss my new found disbelief as I am NOT interested in apologetics or proselytizing. What would you all do in this situation? 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

3 hours ago, Dsred19 said:

 What would you all do in this situation? 

 

If I remember correctly, you have no family nearby.  That is a potentially tough situation.  Can you manage with the friend and perhaps neighbors presently available?

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Practical help is welcome, but the believer mindset always wants to drag in prayer and quote verses like they are some kind of magic cure that is obvious but never works. Pointing out the Emperor's no-clothes would be a coming out moment, so for practical reasons you may want to cloak your new found way in order to get assistance. Good believers help regardless of your belief.

 

But I also just read a note from a newly-deconverted friend who was being gaslighted by a believer "friend", and she's done with suppressing her new freedom to fit into someone else's box. But she's also in a much safer place now socially with a new hubby and new friends. So only you can navigate the specifics of your situation. Maybe your friends will be kind and helpful regardless. Or maybe they want to keep influencing your kids. 

[☆ moxieflux66 ☆]

12 hours ago, Dsred19 said:

Long story short, I have only recently become an atheist/agnostic? in the last year. But no one knows except a couple close non-religious friends. My husband sees it as a faith struggle and thinks I will come around  eventually even though Intold him probably not (thankfully he doesn’t care whether I do or not) . So I still go to church occasionally and have some friends there, only one of whom knows. My husband was recently deployed overseas for a short time and the whole church wants to help. I certainly could use it as I am juggling 3 kids and a new job on my own. But it feels weird. Most are good friends who I think would help regardless, but I am not willing to discuss my new found disbelief as I am NOT interested in apologetics or proselytizing. What would you all do in this situation? 

 

Wow. You must feel like you're having an affair!  

 

I feel bad for you that you have to pretend, just to get some damn help! But I don't know what advice to give except, when all else fails, be vague. Take the help, don't feel badly about it when you can get it and don't make yourself feel obligated back to the church over it. If it is a truly selfless gesture on the part of people that help you then it shouldn't matter that you're not a believer anymore. Right?? Service to god isn't suppose to include pride, right?? 

[freshstart]

I guess you have to ask yourself what is the worst case scenario and what is it that you cannot tolerate (including the feeling that you are unable to be truly authentic with friends)?  My guess is there will be one of several responses from church members (should you choose to be open up if the occasion presents itself):  those judges who want to twist your arm and tell you what you are really feeling and what you should be doing, those who will be compassionate and respectful of your wishes to refrain from proselytizing - even if they are secretly praying for you, and those who have their own doubts and who might be genuinely curious about your journey to agnosticism (even if they don't admit that to you).   I very much empathize with where you stand.  I was actually teaching at a Christian college and being in the closet became unbearable (even though I started to overhear conversations at faculty meetings and noticed other subtleties that told me I was not alone, maybe in the minority, but not alone).  I found clever ways to skirt around uncomfortable discussions.  Walking that fine line was exhausting.  So I left that job and have since decided that if the subject comes up organically I am not going to hide who I am.  I guess I've taken a more . . . . I don't know how to put this . . . . a more courageous stand about what I believe.  And I'm doing it with others in mind who might be like I was . . . afraid to speak up.  Its weird to me, especially living in the states, that atheists and agnostics should ever have to feel that they cannot speak their personal truth, especially when that personal truth has absolutely zero bearing on anyone else.  And it is the ultimate irony that Christians would ever choose to persecute someone for their beliefs. 

So . . . anyway, hopefully I didn't derail this thread too much, but I guess the bottom line is . . . .if it were me, I would go with my gut and do whatever feels right at this moment, especially since help is needed/appreciated.  I'm sure you'll weigh the pros and cons.  No matter how you decide to approach this, I hope your true friends support you in the end. 

 

 

[pantheory]

17 hours ago, Dsred19 said:

 

Long story short, I have only recently become an atheist/agnostic? in the last year. But no one knows except a couple close non-religious friends. My husband sees it as a faith struggle and thinks I will come around  eventually even though Intold him probably not (thankfully he doesn’t care whether I do or not) . So I still go to church occasionally and have some friends there, only one of whom knows. My husband was recently deployed overseas for a short time and the whole church wants to help. I certainly could use it as I am juggling 3 kids and a new job on my own. But it feels weird. Most are good friends who I think would help regardless, but I am not willing to discuss my new found disbelief as I am NOT interested in apologetics or proselytizing. What would you all do in this situation? 

 

 

I think your playing it the right way. Of course you can have religious friends and go to church once in awhile. I do, and I have been an atheist for many decades. Belief is a subjective thing, Once you've told your husband your disbelief that's all there is to it unless he keeps asking. Even then you don't need to explain your reasoning in any detail.

 

Your friends will remain your friends as long as you, and none of them, keep talking about religion. Once they know you don't want to talk about it, if they really are your good friends, they won't keep talking about it or asking you about it. Eventually they will give up once they realize that their persistence will make you want to stay away from them.

 

It's something like saying thanks, but no-thanks.

 

I expect it is different for men, but I have a very good friend who is very religious. He rarely tries to talk to me any more about religion. But if he does, I make a joke about it that he doesn't like, so he has learned not to talk religion to me. 

[older]

I agree with the thrust of the comments above. If these folks are True Christians™ they should be willing to help regardless. Those who would make it conditional are not your friends anyway. Accept the help, write thank you notes as appropriate, and be ready to pay it forward when you can.

 

And there is no rule that says you have to get into a theological discussion with anyone. 

[Crithin8]

3 hours ago, freshstart said:

if the subject comes up organically

Good suggestion that I think that I’ll live by also. 
 

I have a book titled Get Out of Your Head that suggested being yourself. My story of leaving the Christian religion was partly influenced by that suggestion. 

 

last weekend my wife’s small group rented two pontoon boats and went out on the lake. I felt like a guest more than part of the group. 90% of the experience was no different than hanging out with secular people. And was mostly enjoyable. I didn’t feel the need to tell them what I think. None of them asked me any questions. Some of their conversations were amusing. One conversation I pitied a couple of people. Two had a busy body moment. In the end we are all on good terms. 

I cannot suggest what to do. I do think good people help each other regardless of ideological differences, albeit there can be some subtle intonation and nonverbal language that is less than nice. 

 

[Dsred19]

3 hours ago, older said:

I agree with the thrust of the comments above. If these folks are True Christians™ they should be willing to help regardless. Those who would make it conditional are not your friends anyway. Accept the help, write thank you notes as appropriate, and be ready to pay it forward when you can.

 

And there is no rule that says you have to get into a theological discussion with anyone. 

This is all very helpful, and I think the post by older I quoted above sums up my husband’s position. If they want to help let them. I honestly think it will just be people bringing meals on occasion and that’s about it, maybe a ride to get a kid to practice here or there. I have not solicited any help from them so I will definitely pay it forward at the first opportunity. I of course would help any of them for any reason regardless of my disbelief. 

[jedi]

I'm pretty stubborn. So do what is best right now and don't feel bad about it.

Although most religious people feel like they aren't evil, or are doing good. At a fundamental level, most religious people are either delusional and or schizophrenic. Sure, a lot of people have good hearts, but we also have minds. 

 

Going through life thinking a higher power is guiding your every action may produce decent results.

But it is evil and impacts every part of our decision-making process. It robs children of the freedom to choose.

My entire childhood, and teenage life, were consumed with reversing the belief systems of my parents. 

 

So, I won't let my family around my kids. (I'm the only atheist in my family... which I wear as a badge of honor)

While I don't believe in anything "spooky". Things like mirror-neurons, quantum-entanglement, vibes, and picking up on energy is real. Everything is an exchange of energy. (I'm not sure if you've explained to your kids your new beliefs.)

 

I once went homeless instead of accepting my dad's money because I felt like his help gave him emotional access to "correct" my life.

But the times I came out as atheist, it was always "a phase", or the blame was put on me for "going down a wrong path" or being evil. Or several times as a child I was called Satan, and drenched in fragrant olive oil to cast out the evil spirits inside of me. This made me give too much, be too forgiving, and not have any boundaries!

 

I chose to protect my mind, kids, future, and peace. I feel sorry for my family, but ultimately, I show my love by NOT trying to change them anymore. 

Its a difficult thing to become an atheist after being a believer so long. In fact, I think the entirety of theism comes from people's fear of death! So I understand that people will do anything to hold on to the belief that there's more to this life. Being once indoctrinated, and taking a lot of time and self-reflection to obtain disbelief. I know that it would be nearly impossible for my family or old friends to believe.

 

Aside from work and every day social interactions. I have a no-friend policy for anyone who believes in anything supernatural. But if you do decide to stay in-touch with religious people, guard your mind. Atheists are the future and yes it hurts when others don't understand. But you're not alone!

 

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23

[older]

On 9/5/2024 at 6:49 PM, jedi said:

I think the entirety of theism comes from people's fear of death!

Bingo!