At the End of My Rope

[older]

2 minutes ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

Can you think of any of the techniques that would be applicable to me and my situation?

The class was called "Assertion Training." It was focused on sticking up for yourself and not letting other people step all over you. I had come from a background where I was inherently shy and also had been told to keep quiet and do what I was told. So learning to say "no" was a part of that class. Also, I guess, just sticking up for yourself; not apologizing for things you don't have to apologize for, and taking charge of your own life and destiny.

 

7 minutes ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

I genuinely do not know what I should do and that is somehow very profoundly terrifying.

I think the pressure on young folks to have everything figured out is a flaw in our culture. I well remember when I was in high school people would ask, "What college are you going to?" WTF? How was I supposed to know about any of that at the age of 17? At that point in life I wanted to be a printer or a stage hand. School for me was just a giant colonoscopy. And what about just living life and being happy?

 

14 minutes ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

Yes! Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum.

There is a book titled, Drawing On The Right Side Of The Brain, by Betty Edwards. It's about learning to draw but it begins with a chapter about the two brain hemispheres and how they work together, and how the corpus callosum is the bridge between them. It's an interesting concept. It's available online.

 

I'll close with one last thought. When I moved into my office at the university there was a card pasted to the inside of the office door. It was the Serenity Prayer. I left it there for the 28 years I was in that space and found it useful from time to time. I leave out the God part so it becomes:

 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

[Casualfanboy16]

39 minutes ago, older said:

The class was called "Assertion Training." It was focused on sticking up for yourself and not letting other people step all over you. I had come from a background where I was inherently shy and also had been told to keep quiet and do what I was told. So learning to say "no" was a part of that class. Also, I guess, just sticking up for yourself; not apologizing for things you don't have to apologize for, and taking charge of your own life and destiny.

Oh this is wonderful because that just reminded me that Weezer recommended me basically exactly that a good while ago! God, I need to get back into reading the books I bought! Sorry, Weezer! I have failed you. I need to read those books again to refresh myself. On the bright side, I have a more consistent schedule so I can finally read continuously every day. I like get a good streak with reading and then I go months without doing it.

 

I wish I liked books more. It's embarrassing. I think my brain associates reading with work because I was required to read stuff in school I wasn't particularly interested in and it felt like a chore to read literally anything, even things that interested/benefit me. I still have a hard time getting into the reading spirit.

 

It's not like I can't read (in the illiterate sense) or have a hard time understanding the material. I just need to figure out a way to work past the reading = work mentality. I probably should have mentioned that a while ago. I think a lot of my problems with not enjoying learning have ironically come from the same place that was supposed to make me enjoy it.

 

1 hour ago, older said:

I think the pressure on young folks to have everything figured out is a flaw in our culture. I well remember when I was in high school people would ask, "What college are you going to?" WTF? How was I supposed to know about any of that at the age of 17? At that point in life I wanted to be a printer or a stage hand. School for me was just a giant colonoscopy. And what about just living life and being happy?

Honestly, I feel this. The societal pressure to figure things out is a huge reason as to why my perfectionist tendencies spiraled into relentless self-destruction. I used to want to be some famous illustrator or animator. I would practice a lot, but I overdid it because I tried to perfect that craft. I felt like I had to figure out how to do everything right or my life would go to hell. That's why the creative process is hard for me to enjoy and probably why I always find it hard to pick up my tablet pen again.

 

I was also hyper focused on self improvement, but in a weird perfectionist sort of way. I still want to improve myself, but not as self-destructive lol. Also I totally agree. School really didn't work for me. I didn't really care about the information I was taking in. Only the grades I was putting out. It was awful. Add personal life stuff to the mix and it was a recipe for disaster.

 

1 hour ago, older said:

There is a book titled, Drawing On The Right Side Of The Brain, by Betty Edwards. It's about learning to draw but it begins with a chapter about the two brain hemispheres and how they work together, and how the corpus callosum is the bridge between them. It's an interesting concept. It's available online.

I shall check this out! Thanks for the recommendation!

 

1 hour ago, older said:

I'll close with one last thought. When I moved into my office at the university there was a card pasted to the inside of the office door. It was the Serenity Prayer. I left it there for the 28 years I was in that space and found it useful from time to time. I leave out the God part so it becomes:

 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

I remember you talking about that a while ago. I should write it down! Thanks for all that!

[older]

2 minutes ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

I think my brain associates reading with work because I was required to read stuff in school I wasn't particularly interested in and it felt like a chore to read literally anything,

  

I can relate to that. In grammar school I read a lot for fun but high school and college lit classes totally killed it for me. They'd take an author and their book and just beat it all to death over a period of weeks with deep psychological analyses of the plot, the characters, and the author's motives. Motives? Later in life I wrote three books (non fiction) and my motivation was money. It took many years after those classes before I could just pick up a book and enjoy it.

[Casualfanboy16]

17 minutes ago, older said:

  

I can relate to that. In grammar school I read a lot for fun but high school and college lit classes totally killed it for me. They'd take an author and their book and just beat it all to death over a period of weeks with deep psychological analyses of the plot, the characters, and the author's motives. Motives? Later in life I wrote three books (non fiction) and my motivation was money. It took many years after those classes before I could just pick up a book and enjoy it.

Glad we can both relate on that lol. We spent a literal month in school reading Jane Eyre. I think what made it worse was not only did we take that long for a book, but we had to do a report on it and we had limited time before we graduated high school so everyone was stressing trying to do a 4 or maybe 6 page report on this shitty book in a very limited time frame. Come to think of it, I don't really remember enjoying reading ever since middle school lmaooooo!

 

The only thing I can't relate to is that my motivation for doing stuff isn't really money driven, especially when creating things. It's moreso driven out of a passion for the craft and the fascination with the creative process. The money is just a bonus! My Dad always tells me I can make money off of my art. He's not wrong, but it's not really a valid reason in my mind to want to pursue something because then I only focus on profit and then I hate the things I create. Idk if that makes sense lol.

 

I still want to get back into reading. I find it kind of a waste to request all these books for help when I like cannot pick up a book for too long. That's why I need to improve on that.

[older]

48 minutes ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

We spent a literal month in school reading Jane Eyre.

That's child abuse. Someone should have called the cops. While discussing a book could be a worthwhile endeavor, the "classics" are often in a style that's hard to read and from an era that today's students can't relate to. I think a better plan would be to find contemporary books that students would understand. And the discussion does not need to drag on until the students have been rendered comatose.

 

[Casualfanboy16]

11 hours ago, older said:

That's child abuse. Someone should have called the cops. While discussing a book could be a worthwhile endeavor, the "classics" are often in a style that's hard to read and from an era that today's students can't relate to. I think a better plan would be to find contemporary books that students would understand. And the discussion does not need to drag on until the students have been rendered comatose.

 

I wouldn't necessarily call it child abuse. It was moreso that the substitute teacher we got partway through reading the book honestly wasn't the best at the job. I'm not sure where the substitute went wrong where Jane Eyre was dragged out too painfully long.

 

The class was made up of 11th and 12th graders because by then our class had shrunk in size quite a bit, so they combined some classes with the 11th graders so we weren't like so small lol. I'm not sure why that book took us that long, but we had to write a report on it after we finished the book. I couldn't tell you what it was about because I don't remember, but we had 4-5 pages??? Maybe more if you included the page where we had to cite our sources. It wouldn't have been so bad if that book hadn't taken ages.

 

Classic lit is fine and all, but some of it wasn't for me. We read a variety of books that year, even some Shakespeare plays. Macbeth was a good read.

[older]

Thanks for your comments. I was being facetious about the child abuse. I should have included a laughing emoji after that. But I do have issues with our one-size-fits-all educational system, but that's a subject for another forum.

 

Anyhow, one of the reasons I mentioned the group sessions is that book reading isn't necessary and you get instant feedback. Dunno about you but recently when I've tried to read a book that I'm actually interested in I still sometimes fall asleep! Reminds me of this line: "I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

[Casualfanboy16]

7 minutes ago, older said:

Thanks for your comments. I was being facetious about the child abuse. I should have included a laughing emoji after that. But I do have issues with our one-size-fits-all educational system, but that's a subject for another forum.

Oh, okay! I didn't pick up on the tone! I guess sometimes it's hard to convey that through text lol. I do agree with you on that last bit though.

 

9 minutes ago, older said:

Anyhow, one of the reasons I mentioned the group sessions is that book reading isn't necessary and you get instant feedback. Dunno about you but recently when I've tried to read a book that I'm actually interested in I still sometimes fall asleep! Reminds me of this line: "I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

Lmfaooo I haven't heard that line before! I still have to look into these group things and community colleges and all that. I was out all day yesterday going around Gettysburg and watching a Civil War reenactment and such, and by the time I got back I was tired from all the running around we did. Also didn't help that we got up and ready early and spent most of our time in 90° heat. It was craaazy lol.

 

I will try to write down a list of skills too to make things easier. If you have any additional advice you can think of, that'd be cool. I don't expect to be moving out for a little while, but I do want to at least attempt to equip myself with enough to make the process a little less anxiety inducing. Especially because I'm still in the stage of "young adult attempts to navigate this crazy world all the while trying to figure things out" stage.

 

Also, setting deadlines/goals for certain things is also not my strongest suit and that needs to be improved immensely. I don't want to rush myself to where I'm neglecting mental and physical health like I did with my dreams of being an illustrator/animator; but I don't want to go too slow it feels like I'm making a list of wishes and going at a too leisurely pace and making not enough progress. I have a rough time with it because I haven't found a balance between giving myself a little push I need vs forcefully shoving myself into oncoming traffic to achieve things and improve my life.

[older]

On 7/7/2024 at 10:13 AM, Casualfanboy16 said:

Also, setting deadlines/goals for certain things is also not my strongest suit and that needs to be improved immensely.

  

Yup. For many of us. So how about you start today, one step at a time. Tomorrow morning call or stop by your local community college and make an appointment with one of the academic counselors to find out what sorts of resources they have and what you might need to do to enroll in a class or two for fall. At the appointment ask about art classes, which would be fun, and about something that would exercise your mind outside of your familiar topics of interest (creative writing, perhaps?), and what sort of support they would have for someone with your disability. Let us know what happens later this week. How does that sound?

[Casualfanboy16]

57 minutes ago, older said:

  

Yup. For many of us. So how about you start today, one step at a time. Tomorrow morning call or stop by your local community college and make an appointment with one of the academic counselors to find out what sorts of resources they have and what you might need to do to enroll in a class or two for fall. At the appointment ask about art classes, which would be fun, and about something that would exercise your mind outside of your familiar topics of interest (creative writing, perhaps?), and what sort of support they would have for someone with your disability. Let us know what happens later this week. How does that sound?

I'm still thinking about community college. I don't know what I want to really go for. That's my problem. Community college sounds like a great idea and sounds beneficial, but I'm still unsure of what I want to go for.

 

I wrote down my interests, but I'm still working on the skills part like what was discussed a few comments ago. I will post what I've got down when I'm done. The interest portion was easy, but writing down skills is what's difficult for some reason because I'm struggling to find the words to describe the skills lol.

 

I go on and off in terms of my art. I either draw for weeks to a month, or I literally go through months to a year long art block (longest was year and a half). I want to be a little more sure of where I'm going before I start putting money and effort into something like college, even if community college is cheaper. I just don't know where I'm going, honestly. And I don't feel it's financially responsible to go off into something unless I'm at least a little more sure that I won't pick something else.

[older]

1 hour ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

I don't know what I want to really go for. That's my problem. Community college sounds like a great idea and sounds beneficial, but I'm still unsure of what I want to go for.

But the reason you go there is to find out. That's what community colleges are for.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

3 hours ago, Casualfanboy16 said:

I just don't know where I'm going, honestly. And I don't feel it's financially responsible to go off into something unless I'm at least a little more sure that I won't pick something else.

Just checking to see what is available costs nothing, and requires no committment.  There is no way you can lose.  Is there a community college in your area?  AND, HEY!  Whoever you talk to may be a hot young gay guy!

 

If you ever get out of the rut you are in, you have to get out of the bubble.  Remember how you stepped out of the bubble and checked into this website??  And just got through thanking us for being here!!  Maybe it is time to step out again.  You can always go back.

[◊ Krowb ◊]

11 hours ago, older said:

But the reason you go there is to find out. That's what community colleges are for.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with this.  Never did CC myself, but I have friends who found their interests while in Community College, some stopped with their associates and others continued up to university.

 

Also, you will have access to student loans . . . which can be repaid based on your income.  So while your income is low the payments will be -0- and can scale up from there.  If you ultimately work in the public sector you may even have them forgiven.  A close friend just had all her student debt wiped as a Nurse Practitioner because she's worked in the public sector for 10 qualifying years.