My Mother

[okiePK]

I deconverted 15 years ago.  My father is a church of christ preacher.  i believe he is secretly at least agnostic...church is his heritage and his occupation.  but mom is the real deal.  she sends me letters twice a year (even though I see her several times a week) trying to save my soul.  she laments that my children (now in their late twenties) are all non religious.  at times i am angry with her, the arrogance...i have never argued with her, never used any of my substantial knowledge of both the bible and apologetics to show her the weaknesses in her system of "faith".  I am sick of being treated like i am less than moral because i dont worship her middle eastern b.s. "god".  the jews, greeks and romans that created christianity were      misogynist assholes.  ok.  just getting angry now.  she's in her late 70's loves me and means well.  and dad has never said a word.  any ideas?  

[okiePK]

It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.

[TheBluegrassSkeptic]

Don't open the letters and throw them away. I think this is something I learned early on to control my own emotional response to family proselytization. As far as her lamentations, I think you have to put down your foot and set boundaries. If she brings it up, warn her you will abruptly end the visit. She may push you on this and test to see if you're serious. Emphasize this isn't a lack of love on your part, but your only method of salvaging your relationship with her if she persists. Regardless whether you believe or not, it's not your fault God wasn't present enough to work his magic and charm the kids. And she needs to understand if she pushes with them, they may walk away too at some point. 

Personally, my mom would do this but later I found out it was just because she was embarrassed in her church community. She could have given two shits less about my soul really. lol

[older]

I agree with Bluegrass. Just toss the letters. You already know what will be in them. You might tell her that you won't be opening any future letters. And if she wants to talk about it, tell her that it's not open for discussion. If she persists, tell her that she will either have to stop or you will leave or otherwise end the conversation. And then be prepared to take the necessary action.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Hello from a fellow Okie and ex-Church of Christer.  I left there in 1968.  I agree with the suggestions above.  My parents believed the scripture that said, "train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart frrom it".  They felt they had failed in some way.  I realized they had been completely brainwashed by their up bringing (both sides of the family were CofC) and I assured them they were NOT to blame for my leaving.  They had even sent me to a christian college.  I told them there were things about the bible that did not add up, and I had prayed for God to help me discern truth, and it eventually led me to believe the bible was NOT the inerrant word of God.  I assured them that their attempts to bring me back to the fold would NOT work.  Thank goodness that worked.  If it hadn't worked I would have done as indicated above.  Stopped visits, or any communication if they persisted. 

 

Don't continue in the mindset of parent and child.  Thinking in terms of adult to adult will perhaps reduce the anger you are feeling.  Realize you do not have to continue the relationship "as is".  You are choosing to do so.  I would not suggest "forcing" your present beliefs on your mother, but do offer to explain them if she is willing to listen.  Keep it on a respectful adult to adult level.  My father(an elder) eventually said,  "I guess we wil have to agree to disagree", and that worked.  Mom stopped treating me like her little boy.  HANG IN THERE!

 

My story is in the TESTIMONIAL forum, named,  RELIGIOUS TRUTH: A GRADUAL AWAKENING.  You may find it very similar to your own.

[nontheistpilgrim]

My parents, both very active Christians, died many years ago and long before I gave up on god. So I don't have your problem. (But I have had problems with former friends who wanted to convert me back - they said they would pray for me and I guess they still do when they think about it.)

I don't have any idea how you deal with this. They probably still love you and you them. The problem I have with tearing up letters and generally not engaging is that this will probally confirm their belief that you are controlled by the devil, and this could increase the distance between you.

As a bit of an aside: the other day I stopped to talk to a bucket-holder collecting for cancer in children: I wanted to tell them that my grandson had cancer when he was very young but that he is now 22....and that was the end of the conversation (I was going to tell her that he has just qualified as a radiology therapist) because all she could keep saying was "Amen, Amen": she had no idea who I was but assumed that I would appreciate her christianity. Some christians can be so insensitive.

What about your dad? Can you talk to him: this might be a support for him as it seems you would be non-judgemental if he chose to share his doubts. Not to set up a rift between your mum and dad but he might have ideas how to deal with your mum (like "just leave her").

Peace!

[◊ Weezer ◊]

A suggestion.  With your mother, try something like this.  "Mom, I appreciate your concern for me and your grandchildren.  But think of this.  I am also thankful you and Dad gave me a good brain to think with.  I used it and decided the Bible (the faith, etc) did not add up.  I did not leave my morals behind.  I simply left the divinity behind.  I am a big boy now and hope you realize your letters are like water off a ducks back.  Also tell her that in the future the letters will will be thrown away.

 

Also consider that at her age, some dementia may be setting in, which could cause her to be obsessing more about things.  Try to think in terms of, "that's just Mom", and try to let it be as water off a ducks back.  HA! That's what i am trying to do with my 80 year old wife, and she is likely seeing me in the same way.  The sooner we can stop taking things personally that we don't deserve, the easier life gets. 

[pantheory]

On 6/19/2024 at 11:10 AM, okiePK said:

I deconverted 15 years ago.  My father is a church of christ preacher.  i believe he is secretly at least agnostic...church is his heritage and his occupation.  but mom is the real deal.  she sends me letters twice a year (even though I see her several times a week) trying to save my soul.  she laments that my children (now in their late twenties) are all non religious.  at times i am angry with her, the arrogance...i have never argued with her, never used any of my substantial knowledge of both the bible and apologetics to show her the weaknesses in her system of "faith".  I am sick of being treated like i am less than moral because i dont worship her middle eastern b.s. "god".  the jews, greeks and romans that created christianity were      misogynist assholes.  ok.  just getting angry now.  she's in her late 70's loves me and means well.  and dad has never said a word.  any ideas?  

 

Ideas, yes,

 

Women tend to be more religious than men, but men are the biggest promulgators of religion, generally because of the Bible. Women were accordingly created to serve men and raise the children. As you said, your Dad may be an agnostic now so his feelings may be muted. Your mom's intention is for you to go to heaven eventually, so her motives will always be good, and as an agnostic your dad's intentions toward you are probably also good.

 

Only 2 postings, welcome to X-christian okie. Expect you will like it here and will be looking forward to your future postings

[☆ moxieflux66 ☆]

Welcome to the forum oPK! We hope you'll stick around.

 

My xtian sister cyberstalked my kids to try to get to me (or trying to convert them since I obviously failed to do so). She found my son's address and hand wrote a letter to him a couple of years ago. They met when my son was a kid, but haven't spoken since then since I don't suffer xtians, especially in my own family, and none of us have been in touch. Any guesses about what was in that letter? I asked my son to throw the letter away but he said he put it in a drawer somewhere and forgot about it. I was furious she would do such a thing! 

 

Before that it was cyberstalking my daughter's Facebook account. 

 

Why would she hand write a letter to someone she barely knows, bothered to find out about or cared for at all? Hm...pretty sure it was about the 'end times' that she's predicted at least four times over the course of my life. 

 

Yes, for the sake of your own sanity, get rid of the letters immediately. I'd suggest burning them just to make sure. There's a little added satisfaction with that action, trust me. 

[jedi]

As long as your kids are little freer than you, that's all you may be able to do.

 

These things (especially at your mother's age) are nearly impossible to reconcile.

 

My father just sent me a 2025 doomsday video.

 

 

[☆ moxieflux66 ☆]

1 hour ago, jedi said:

My father just sent me a 2025 doomsday video.

 

 

Don't worry. My sister has predicted the end of the world 4 times (maybe more) and gee, we're still here. I think the original religion believed 2000 years ago The End was imminent.