Have you realized anything about yourself since leaving Christianity?

[FitForA_ghost]

Since leaving Christianity I am a lot happier and more at peace. I have also accepted my bisexuality that I fought with and ignored since I was twelve. I shoved this part of myself down so deep for years. For the past two years or so I began dreaming about a friend I had during my teenage years. We had a deep, profound, intense connection for years before we had a falling out over trivial teenage-girl matters. I always regretted losing her.
 

Anyway, about 2-3 times a month I would dream I found her again and we reconnected, and these dreams were so full of joy and love for her when I would wake up, I would cry with longing for her. I kept wondering why I was having these dreams and what the intense emotions meant. It all makes sense to me now. I know I was in love with her, and when our friendship ended I grieved for that relationship like a breakup. I remember it took years and years to move on from her, and as a teen I couldn’t make sense of the grief or why I felt such profound loss and heart break over a friendship. I believe the dreams were trying to tell me that I had been in love with her. When I accepted this part of myself, the dreams stopped and I haven’t had a single one for months.
 

Now it’s like a whole new world has appeared before my eyes. I am now fully accepting many of the female crushes I had during my youth that I lied to myself about because I was terrified I might be gay. I had crushes on celebrities and friends, even practicing kissing some of them. I remember praying to God to take away these feelings and desires. Now I feel excitement for the future and the possibilities in relationships going forward. This June is my “first” pride month, and I am proud of myself for coming this far, but I’m most definitely still in the closet with my family. I’m married to a Christian man, have two young children and know it would mean divorce to tell him. I also do love him, still. I just have this whole part of me I can’t share with anyone and it hurts. I wish so badly I had never been religious. How different my life would have been. 
 

(Oh and I did find this friend by the way. She works in my home town as a hair stylist, and I’m going on a vacation there in July. I decided I’m going to meet up with her to make amends for the past. I will not share my realization that I used to be in love with her, but I think seeing her will heal something in my soul.)

[◊ Weezer ◊]

This is really good to hear.  I'm glad things are calming down and beginning to make sense.  I also found a peace I had not known before, after leaving the "faith".   The fear of Hell is gone, and the thought of heaven had never really appealed to me in the first place.  The only thing I miss is the sense of community, but even that was fading due to my increasing "liberal" views and disagreements with other members before leaving.

 

Although I'm not bi or gay, I lost a very serious 2 year relationship decades ago that haunted me for years after.  The "what ifs" would not go away, even though I married someone else.  But more recently, finally making phone and email visits for a while, I discovered our lives had taken us in such different directions, including my leaving religion, that it was obvious we had virtually nothing in common any more.  And since we did not meet face to face, I don't know if the sexual attraction would still be there.  Ha!  I try not to even go there in my thoughts.

 

Hopefully meeting with your friend will heal something in your soul.  But think of this.  What if, by chance, there is a mutual attraction??  And your life styles are still compatable.  I'm glad my exgirlfriend and I no longer had similar life styles and religious beliefs 30 years later.  If that not been the case, I might have had increasing anxieties.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

It is a very "freeing" feeling to accept yourself just as you are. And even more freeing to not have to hide part of yourself.  Are you sure it would be a problem if your husband knew you are bi?  As long as you are not acting on it?  Or would he see your same sex attraction as sinful?  

[jedi]

Healing is beautiful!

 

I'm just now discovering fascinating and intellectual women because all my past relationships had God in the center.

Yuck! No wonder it never worked.