Jesus Calms A Storm -- Wtf!

[Margee]

I've been here for 3 years and I still don't know how to multiquote..........

 

Those last 4 responses have got me in friggin' hysterics!! You guys are awesome. I really need to laugh. I love it when the board 'acts up'!!   

 

Yes indeed, we are the hottest men and woman on the internet!!!

 

..........And we're not lazy and afraid like the stupid disciples!! We're a brave bunch!!!

 

 

[Bhim]

You know, I had never really thought about it, but I think this may have been one of the subconscious reasons I left the church.  Growing up on a farm and being around farming most of my life turned me into the quintessential "man"; and I think on a much deeper level I never really could deal with such things as:

 

Here I am waiting.

Abide in me I pray.

Here I am longing, for you.

Hide me in your love;

Bring me to my knees.

May I know jesus more and more.

 

Come live in me and all my life, take over.

Come breathe in me and I will rise

On eagle's wings.

 

god! I just puked on my laptop.  Sorry I need to clean this up.  Won't take but a moment...

 

Heh, I'm guessing most evangelical churches must have a pretty standard, common repertoire of songs, because I'm certain I've heard this one before.  I'm likewise reminded of "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever."

 

Over the mountains and the sea,

Your river runs with love for me,

And I will open up my heart

And let the Healer set me free.

I'm happy to be in the truth,

And I will daily lift my hands

For I will always sing of when

Your love came down.

 

I'm sorry, but in retrospect I have to say this is not something I can sing.  Phrases like "open up my heart" do not inspire my inner sense of manliness.  You may also be familiar with the song "Trading My Sorrows" which has the following repetitious verse.

 

Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord

Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord

Amen

 

In principle I have no problem with obeying God (my beef is with Jesus, not theism, but this is another issue).  And verses like this are highly suggestive of feminine submission.  It doesn't take many leaps of logic for one to associate this sort of language with the idea of having sex with God.  And given that God in Christianity is portrayed as a father, this is definitely not OK.  Even kids who obey their dads don't repetitively say "yes, father, yes, yes father."

 

There is another evangelical song called O Praise Him (All this for a King) which literally has a chorus consisting of "oh la la la la la la, oh la la la la la la."  Excuse me for being crass, but I have to ask if the author's balls were severed before or after he wrote this.  Fortunately I only heard this song performed once at a church, but it was very uncomfortable to see grown men singing it.  And it was worse to know that I was expected to sing.

 

Here's what I don't entirely understand about evangelical Christians.  It's not as though there's a dearth of Christian music that inspires men to be men.  "Soldiers of Christ, Arise" is an example of this.  Men tend to think more with our heads than hearts (no offense to anyone, please keep in mind that generalizations are by definition not true of every person).  Songs which emphasize the incommunicable attributes of God are likewise better suited for men.  "Immortal, Invisible" would have been a good choice.  So would songs like "Crown Him With Many Crowns," which emphasize the sovereignty of God.  We ex-Christians may have all sorts of other problems with these songs.  But at least we can sing them without feeling like our testicles are ascending back into our pelvises.  Evangelicals have some idiotic notion that they should throw out centuries of good music in favor of bad immitations of 90's pop.  It's amusing how Christians are always a decade or so behind the times when it comes to the arts.  These people spend a few years condemning popular culture as "of the devil," and then latch on to it on the tail end to see if they can somehow win souls to Christ from various subcultures.

 

Of course, I say that I "don't entirely understand" evangelicals because at some level, I do know why they don't use better music.  Christians need to emphasize the transcendent glory of God as well as his immanent presence via Jesus.  And it's hard to talk about immanence without getting into matters of the heart, and other things that we men don't really care to think about.  So as is my common complaint, I once again observe that the fundamental problem with Christianity is Jesus.  I think what attracted me to Christianity was, among other things, the transcendence of God.  Unfortunately you only get this at the expense of hearing about how Jesus wants to have a personal relationship with you and be your (hopefully heterosexual) best friend in the world.

 

I have no problem with the idea of belief in God.  But Jesus makes for a very poor depiction of God.  Ultimately, Jesus is a girly man who makes it very difficult to take an all powerful God seriously.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

This thread is starting to remind me of the young woman to whom I referred as "Fearful" in my deconversion story.  For her, only the manliest of manly men was good enough.  Except when it came time to pray to and worship jesus; then she wanted a blathering blabbering baby who would weep and carry on about sinfulness and mercy and the awesome love of god.  It's just as well I never slid my snake into her tree of knowledge; there's no telling what might have slid back out nine months later.

 

Incidentally, since it would appear that no one else is going to point out that jesus had two fathers, I guess I will.

[mymistake]

The reason this story is in the Bible is because the author of Mark had to study the work of Homer (Everyone who learned classical Greek did) and in the Odyssey book 10 the hero Odysseus falls asleep in a boat while at sea and his bumbling followers cause a storm and wake him up.

 

It doesn't matter that the Sea of Galilee is a lake.  It doesn't matter that experienced fishermen would know more than a carpenter.  Odysseus did it and Jesus is better than the Greek hero Odysseus.

 

The gospels of Luke and Matthew are an edit job of Mark.

[duderonomy]

I'm 50 and single, and never really had a true relationship with a woman.  This thread is really making me think about why I haven't been able to be successful in that arena.

 

It's also making me think that the hottest women on the 'net are right here at ex-C.

 

Put your tongue back in your mouth, son. I'm also in the LP of Michigan, and don't you even THINK about it.  The same goes for the Canadian chicks.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

So, every year the company my wife works for provides each employee with a 15-20 pound turkey (that's 7-9 kilograms for those on the metric system).  Anyway, I made a nice brine to soak the turkey in the day before yesterday.  I put the turkey along with a nice salmon filet into the smoker yesterday afternoon and let it smoke all through the night.  I just tried a bit of it for breakfast.

 

All I can say now is: I am MAN.  I harness fire.  I make meat.  Meat good.

[bdp]

I Harness Fire is going to be my CD title.  If I ever get around to making that CD.  Don't worry all you young'uns, it will be a digital download too.

[Tollo]

This thread is hilarious. I'm a girl but yeah, I've always felt really uncomfortable with some of the way the grown, oh so masculine manly men get sentimental and, for lack of a better word, pathetic at church, particularly during prayer. They make fun of feminists from the pulpit and love to enforce traditional gender roles in families, yet let them close their eyes with a microphone in their hands and they start going on about how "we are your childr'n" (this one elder develops a childlike speech pattern where he doesn't open his mouth very much, but only when he prays) and "our hearts are broken" and "we are your little lambs" and "our only desire is You". I had forgot about this pet peeve of mine, thanks for reminding me haha.

[amateur]

So, every year the company my wife works for provides each employee with a 15-20 pound turkey (that's 7-9 kilograms for those on the metric system).  Anyway, I made a nice brine to soak the turkey in the day before yesterday.  I put the turkey along with a nice salmon filet into the smoker yesterday afternoon and let it smoke all through the night.  I just tried a bit of it for breakfast.

 

All I can say now is: I am MAN.  I harness fire.  I make meat.  Meat good.

So you "tried a bit for breakfast"?  I hope you did it the MANLY way by grabbing it in both hands and ripping off a chunk with your teeth and growling at anybody that got close to you!

 

Thank you, mymistake, for pointing out where the storm story came from -- the Odyssey.  I also thank you for staying on topic!!!  

 

Now back to off-topic ... The song lyrics remind me of a story from my childhood.  I went with my parents somewhere when I was a kid, maybe around 8 years old.  One of the songs sung by the people singing was "Amen" with the lyrics "amen amen amen amen amen..."  (I'm singing it in my head as I type it).  My parents had never heard it before, and for years after they laughed and laughed over that song and its one-word lyric.  They'd make dorky jokes about it, like, "Wonder who came up with those lyrics?" and "Wonder how long it took to write?" and "What if people forget the second verse?"

[TheRedneckProfessor]

 

So, every year the company my wife works for provides each employee with a 15-20 pound turkey (that's 7-9 kilograms for those on the metric system).  Anyway, I made a nice brine to soak the turkey in the day before yesterday.  I put the turkey along with a nice salmon filet into the smoker yesterday afternoon and let it smoke all through the night.  I just tried a bit of it for breakfast.

 

All I can say now is: I am MAN.  I harness fire.  I make meat.  Meat good.

So you "tried a bit for breakfast"?  I hope you did it the MANLY way by grabbing it in both hands and ripping off a chunk with your teeth and growling at anybody that got close to you!

 

Forks are for civilized city-folk.  I chewed it straight from the bone and washed it down with a pint of whiskey.  That's how it's done where I come from.

[mymistake]

 

 

bdp:  We are definitely the hottest women ever!

 

Ex Christian gals are smoking hawt!

[Lilith666]

 

 

 

bdp:  We are definitely the hottest women ever!

Ex Christian gals are smoking hawt!

I feel sexy.

 

How did we get this far off topic?

[Bhim]

 

I feel sexy.

 

How did we get this far off topic?

 

 

Well I made the connection between scared disciples in a boat and Christianity being an effeminate religion.  Beyond that, I take no credit!  Heck, I'm probably one of the more uptight ex-Christians on this board.

[amateur]

 

 

So, every year the company my wife works for provides each employee with a 15-20 pound turkey (that's 7-9 kilograms for those on the metric system).  Anyway, I made a nice brine to soak the turkey in the day before yesterday.  I put the turkey along with a nice salmon filet into the smoker yesterday afternoon and let it smoke all through the night.  I just tried a bit of it for breakfast.

 

All I can say now is: I am MAN.  I harness fire.  I make meat.  Meat good.

So you "tried a bit for breakfast"?  I hope you did it the MANLY way by grabbing it in both hands and ripping off a chunk with your teeth and growling at anybody that got close to you!

 

Forks are for civilized city-folk.  I chewed it straight from the bone and washed it down with a pint of whiskey.  That's how it's done where I come from.

 

RedPro:  I will meet YOU out back of the honky-tonk at close tonight.

 

 

 

 

I feel sexy.

 

How did we get this far off topic?

 

 

Well I made the connection between scared disciples in a boat and Christianity being an effeminate religion.  Beyond that, I take no credit!  Heck, I'm probably one of the more uptight ex-Christians on this board.

 

Bhim:  Come and join us at the honky-tonk tonight!  I'll loosen you up!

 

Lil:  Come and have a beer and dance with us!

[TheRedneckProfessor]

 

 

 

So, every year the company my wife works for provides each employee with a 15-20 pound turkey (that's 7-9 kilograms for those on the metric system).  Anyway, I made a nice brine to soak the turkey in the day before yesterday.  I put the turkey along with a nice salmon filet into the smoker yesterday afternoon and let it smoke all through the night.  I just tried a bit of it for breakfast.

 

All I can say now is: I am MAN.  I harness fire.  I make meat.  Meat good.

So you "tried a bit for breakfast"?  I hope you did it the MANLY way by grabbing it in both hands and ripping off a chunk with your teeth and growling at anybody that got close to you!

 

Forks are for civilized city-folk.  I chewed it straight from the bone and washed it down with a pint of whiskey.  That's how it's done where I come from.

 

RedPro:  I will meet YOU out back of the honky-tonk at close tonight.

 

 

 

 

I feel sexy.

 

How did we get this far off topic?

 

 

Well I made the connection between scared disciples in a boat and Christianity being an effeminate religion.  Beyond that, I take no credit!  Heck, I'm probably one of the more uptight ex-Christians on this board.

 

Bhim:  Come and join us at the honky-tonk tonight!  I'll loosen you up!

 

Lil:  Come and have a beer and dance with us!

 

 

Well, I like Bhim well enough, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the idea of he and I meeting you at the same honky-tonk.  Seems my mistress might be two-timing me.

[mymistake]

 

 

Well, I like Bhim well enough, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the idea of he and I meeting you at the same honky-tonk.  Seems my mistress might be two-timing me.

 

 

 

You must be a pessimist.  An optimist would think "Maybe she is going to bring a bunch of her friends for a party".     

[TheRedneckProfessor]

 

 

 

Well, I like Bhim well enough, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the idea of he and I meeting you at the same honky-tonk.  Seems my mistress might be two-timing me.

 

 

 

You must be a pessimist.  An optimist would think "Maybe she is going to bring a bunch of her friends for a party".     

 

 

Well, she did invite Lilith as well.

[amateur]

Maybe I'm gonna make them watch what I do to you, Red.  

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Maybe I'm gonna make them watch what I do to you, Red.  

 

  

[Lilith666]

 

 

 

So, every year the company my wife works for provides each employee with a 15-20 pound turkey (that's 7-9 kilograms for those on the metric system).  Anyway, I made a nice brine to soak the turkey in the day before yesterday.  I put the turkey along with a nice salmon filet into the smoker yesterday afternoon and let it smoke all through the night.  I just tried a bit of it for breakfast.

 

All I can say now is: I am MAN.  I harness fire.  I make meat.  Meat good.

So you "tried a bit for breakfast"?  I hope you did it the MANLY way by grabbing it in both hands and ripping off a chunk with your teeth and growling at anybody that got close to you!

 

Forks are for civilized city-folk.  I chewed it straight from the bone and washed it down with a pint of whiskey.  That's how it's done where I come from.

 

RedPro:  I will meet YOU out back of the honky-tonk at close tonight.

 

 

 

 

I feel sexy.

 

How did we get this far off topic?

 

 

Well I made the connection between scared disciples in a boat and Christianity being an effeminate religion.  Beyond that, I take no credit!  Heck, I'm probably one of the more uptight ex-Christians on this board.

 

Bhim:  Come and join us at the honky-tonk tonight!  I'll loosen you up!

 

Lil:  Come and have a beer and dance with us!

 

 

Hey thanks, I don't drink, but I will dance! Not that anyone really wants to see that.

 

 

[amateur]

Lilith invited the Dancing Jesus too!  Par-tay!!!!!

[TheRedneckProfessor]

^^^Keep jesus away from Bhim, though.  Those two seriously do not get along.

[Lilith666]

^^^Keep jesus away from Bhim, though.  Those two seriously do not get along.

 

Haha....don't let Jesus near the water.

[amateur]

^^^We can give Jesus some more sins of ours to die for.  Out back.  Of the honky tonk.  After close.

 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

^^^I'll be the guy with the smoked turkey and moonshine jug.  Beside the Ford pick-up.  Wearing... nothing.