To Procreate Or Not To Procreate

[LoneTarus]

My suggestion, for what little it's worth, is to have a discussion with your wife about your own deaths. I once heard a Taoist assert that the goal of every human life is to die with as little regret as possible. And that rang true with me.

 

If you guys talk about it, then maybe you can work out between yourselves about how you'd feel on your death beds about either having had or not having had children.

 

 

I really like this post! I think this question more than anything else puts it all into perspective. Looking at it from that point of view should totally change how you look at all the other questions.

[Ro-bear]

I was never sure about having kids. My wife would mention the possibility, and I would say "I don't know." Then one day she said "Well, there will never be a perfect time, so now is probably as good a time as any."

 

She was right. It wasn't having kids I was against; I just wanted to do it at the right time. And the right time was right after my wife said there would never be a perfect time. I said "Let's go for it, then"

 

It didn't go off without some hitches. The getting pregnant part was easy, but the carrying the fetus to term part was not. After two miscarriages we had two successful reproductions.

 

No regrets at all, best decision we ever made. I can't imagine this time of life, early fifties, without my two girls. Just career and marriage would not be enough. It would have been a mistake for me to pass on parenthood.

[mcdaddy]

I was never sure about having kids. My wife would mention the possibility, and I would say "I don't know." Then one day she said "Well, there will never be a perfect time, so now is probably as good a time as any."

 

She was right. It wasn't having kids I was against; I just wanted to do it at the right time. And the right time was right after my wife said there would never be a perfect time. I said "Let's go for it, then"

 

It didn't go off without some hitches. The getting pregnant part was easy, but the carrying the fetus to term part was not. After two miscarriages we had two successful reproductions.

 

No regrets at all, best decision we ever made. I can't imagine this time of life, early fifties, without my two girls. Just career and marriage would not be enough. It would have been a mistake for me to pass on parenthood.

 

Fist bump to another 2-daughter daddy. You go, boy.

[Paine]

I'm posing a simple question to my fellow Exchristians: Should my wife and I have kids? Or not?

 

I'm just curious to hear your varied opinions on the matter.

 

My wife and I have been together for about 12 years. Neither of us immediately wanted kids, and it's an issue that we've always just put off until later. We first moved in together at age 23, and we used to say that maybe we'd have kids when we were 30. Well 30 came and went. So then we said 35. Well 35 is here and now, and the question is still up in the air.

 

We're finally at a point in our lives where we're both on a pretty good career path, and we have SOME measure of financial stability. We're vastly better than your average 18-year-olds who often pop out kids. But we're getting older... and if this thing is gonna happen, it will have to be fairly soon.

 

My wife has been nominally against having kids most of the time, but she doesn't feel THAT strongly about it. At times she says she would like for us to have a kid- more often she just wants puppies. Myself, I used to be nominally in favor of having kids- but the decision was always so far away that I had never considered it THAT seriously. Now that the decision is more immediate, I'm just not sure if it's what I want. Our situation is kinda odd in that I think if either of us decided that we definitely wanted kids- the other would gladly go along with it. But neither of us is sure that we do.

 

Now my wife and I both like kids. She works with them pretty often as a psychologist. I'm rarely around them. On one hand, it would be awesome to have a miniature version of her around, to attempt to do a better job than our parents did (though I'm pretty sure we'd fail), to carry on the species, have birthdays, christmases, camping trips, and all that shit. Kids seem to give people a sense of purpose and hope for the future that I just don't have.

 

On the other hand, this is a HUGE commitment. And I'm not sure that one 'should' have kids unless they REALLY want them. I would have no choice but to morph into super-dad, to swallow my pride and do what's best for the kid regardless of what that means for me or anybody else. And I've been around parents- they are fucking insane. I'm not being facetious here- it's been my experience that when offspring are involved, parents are completely incapable of being rational. I doubt I'd be any different. AND let's not forget the fact that my wife and I were both wierd as kids- and miserable/suicidal as teenagers. This world is a fucked up place- do I really want to inflict that on another kid? MY kid?

 

I don't know if it's ego, biological drive, or what- but making a conscious decision to NOT have kids, particularly when we could should we decide to... it feels like suicide. It feels like I'm just saying 'fuck the world' and giving up. And maybe I am- I'm not necessarily against that. I'm just not sure that that's what I want to do.

 

I don't expect ya'll to solve this dilemma for me or anything, but I would be interested to know what any/all of you think about this (including you, BO). Whether you have kids or not- and particularly if you're old enough to have reflected on that decision- I'd like to know what you think about it.

 

Your tone is very reticent. So my first gut tells me that you are somewhat trying to convince yourself of this urge that you don't seem to organically feel. Like perhaps there is some external, societal pressure? Family? Sibs with a passel of children?

 

If you are not just dying to have children...an urge that can't be quelled...then opt OUT. There are plenty of couples who recognize their own egotism (and this is not meant as an indictment, just an adjective!) and desires to fully actualize their own "SELVES". Having children pretty much sublimates all your PERSONAL GOALS for those of the offspring, as nature would rightly demand.

 

So if you are not just wholly given over and smitten with the idea of growing a family with your wife for the next 18 to 24 years, then DO. NOT. DO. IT. No backsies on this one. You can't just stuff them back in when you wish they (and their smart assed attitude) would disappear.

 

Full disclosure: I have children....but knowing what I know now...that you won't DIE if you don't procreate...that society will go on fine without your genes....I may have taken a different path to develop my own SELF more. They are older and I am getting back to my pursuit of SELF....but not before I sidetracked my momentum SIGNIFICANTLY by squeezing out a litter of offspring.

 

But then I bought into the bullshit of "Godly wife and mother" before I realized it...it was "too late".

 

I blame Christianity and religious guilt for the entire path of my life....and for the most part it has been good and I love my life...but I will always wonder if I had left the church in my teens when the doubt first crept in, would my life have been so much different? Yes. I think so.

 

The short answer is that since you hate me anyway, it doesn't matter what I, personally, say...but the fact that you have obviously given many things in your life much consideration, and not arrived where you are by accident, it would appear, I am certain that whatever you decide will be as equally well considered and right for you and your wife.

 

Good luck. This is one of the hardest crossroads of life, and I truly wish you well.