Legion Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 It IS your "fault" that you have major issues with Christianity. Only it's not "fault". You've taken responsibility for your own thoughts. You've engaged critical thinking. If it we're me. I would ask her to please not make feel defensive about it, lest you be tempted to go on offense. I would ask her, to allow me the same degree of cognitive freedom which you extend to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adam5 Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Spiritually mixed relationships can be difficult. I was a Christian for 4/5 years and my wife is not religious. When people convert or deconvert, the other person is looking for reassurance that their partner is still the same loving and kind person. For religious people being unequally yoked can be a big deal. If when I was a Christian, my wife was to push say strong Atheism on me, it would have caused me a big problem. I think the utmost importance in a relationship is to show respect for each others beliefs. Thats why I think when deconverting its important to be sensitive to your wife/husband/partner, and continue to be respectful of their beliefs, and give them reassurance that you are the same person as before. My two cents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted June 15, 2012 Author Share Posted June 15, 2012 Mcdaddy, I don't have any advice, but I'm just chiming in to let you know that I understand where you're at. I haven't had any real confrontation with my wife since our big discussion a while back, but I know that there's the potential for it at any moment. I have to try to be patient, and just keep being the same person I was before, if not better. There's a good chance that your wife will never deconvert, no matter how intelligent she may be. She may never allow herself to really question what she believes. You have to remain open to this possibility. Thx T2M. I don't think she will. Too much of a mentality change for her. She'll just block out information and roll with her personal cOncept of god to the grave. I just wish she would look at the info I've seen to understand WHY I have problems with it all. But she's scared too bc she probably knows its all bs but doesn't want to confirm it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thought2Much Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 If your relationship with your wife is otherwise healthy, you may find that compromises may eventually be made by her, if you don't push too hard. For example, within the last two weeks my wife came to me and asked what I thought we should do about giving to the church. In a way this makes sense, since I'm the only one bringing in an income, but it shows that she thinks my thoughts on the subject still matter. And, rather than just reply, "Don't give another dime of my money to that church," I told her that I think we should write a check to the church for a few hundred a month, but make sure that in the notes section that the money is exclusively for my father in-law (he really doesn't receive much money as salary from the church). Eventually, you may find yourself in similar situations. I know it's frustrating to feel like any conflict regarding belief is your own fault, and you may have to say that (in so many words) to your wife at some point. Hang in there, and vent here as much as you need to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted June 15, 2012 Author Share Posted June 15, 2012 And I'll reiterate this again, other than last night and a few others over the last year she has handled it well, ll things considered. But I still have to sneak certain books around her. That part sucks. She just feels like I'm flipping off her best buddy by thinking he's either a jackass or not real. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 I am your god, and you are mine. You think of me, and you're on my mind. I watch you breathe. I watch you move. Your very being makes me groove. mmm hmmm mm hmm oooooh yeeeahhhh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeasabird Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Have you asked her to read the books and then you can both discuss them afterward, together? Maybe do a book trading, she can offer you a book she has read and you do the same? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted June 15, 2012 Author Share Posted June 15, 2012 Have you asked her to read the books and then you can both discuss them afterward, together? Maybe do a book trading, she can offer you a book she has read and you do the same? She doesn't read ANYTHING nonfiction. ANYTHING. plus she won't read anything that may alter her faith, shes already told me as much. Ostrich-head-sand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConureDelSol Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 This is why I'm glad I've deconverted now before I've married. Non-believer or apatheist are now one of my "must have" traits for a husband, along with "must love parrots and be willing to turn future home into a gigantic aviary." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jblueep Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 JUDGE ME BY THE CONTENT OF MY CHARACTER, NOT BY THE FAIRY TALES I (DON'T) BELIEVE IN. I quoted this (attributed to "M.M.") on my facebook status. I think you're handling this just fine, and you and your wife obviously love each other deeply. Your unique mix of authenticity and sarcasm serves you well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeasabird Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Have you asked her to read the books and then you can both discuss them afterward, together? Maybe do a book trading, she can offer you a book she has read and you do the same? She doesn't read ANYTHING nonfiction. ANYTHING. plus she won't read anything that may alter her faith, shes already told me as much. Ostrich-head-sand. Yeah, so she didn't 'really' mean it when she said she cared about the truth. Only if it confirms what she already believes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted June 15, 2012 Super Moderator Share Posted June 15, 2012 I'm pretty sure the vast majority know deep inside it's crazy mad illogical and unrealistic. ESPECIALLY when modern science is invalidating it at every turn. But dammit "I had an experience" just washes all that away like it doesn't even exist. Puke. That's exactly how my husband is. Cuz he's speshul. Just ask him. For example, he is actually one of the few fundies who think we are screwing up the environment, is against fracking, believes global warming to be true, etc. and thinks the greedy corporations need to be reigned in by the government and that we, as the human being inhabitants of this planet, need to do something about it. Yet he is still a christian (because of his speshul experience) and still a republican (I think only because of the abortion issue). My head hurts from banging it against the brick wall for the past 20-some years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator TrueFreedom Posted June 15, 2012 Moderator Share Posted June 15, 2012 And I'll reiterate this again, other than last night and a few others over the last year she has handled it well, ll things considered. But I still have to sneak certain books around her. That part sucks. She just feels like I'm flipping off her best buddy by thinking he's either a jackass or not real. My wife and I went through a time when she felt like I ruined everything by losing my faith. She came around eventually. I'm sure that you two will be able to work out some temporary boundaries that will help for a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadrunner Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 i know what you mean mac. 95% of the time its swept under the rug and life is normal but when the wife brings it up all HELL breaks loose.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Ask her this McDaddy... Dearest, what is my behavior towards you and the children like? Would you rather me think in a preferred fashion or behave in a preferred fashion? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted June 15, 2012 Author Share Posted June 15, 2012 Ask her this McDaddy... Dearest, what is my behavior towards you and the children like? Would you rather me think in a preferred fashion or behave in a preferred fashion? I did that a while back. She understood the point. It's why she's pretty cool about it MOST of the time (but she doesnt really know how far I've deconverted I don't think). Thx for the comments guys. It means a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melancholy Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Hello! I am new here, but I know exactly what you mean by the "thought police". I have to hide things from my mother all the time. I'm not myself around her. It just isn't worth getting yelled at about. Whenever I have different opinions than hers, she screams at me and personally attacks me ("what do you mean you don't want to vote Conservative? What is your problem? I don't know what happened to you!"). Like your wife, she completely flips out, blames me for not being good enough any more, and then gives me the furious silent treatment. Talk about childish. There is nothing wrong with having your own opinion...There is something wrong with people who believe everyone should think the same. They are missing out on so much in this life. No one can control your thoughts! It makes me feel sad for people like my mother and your wife. Don't they see how disillusioned they are? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 Nope. Got their xian blinders on. Not only can they not accept that you have a different opinion, they can't accept your opinion WHEN YOU'VE SPENT HUNDREDS TO THOUSANDS OF HOURS RESEARCHING IT AND THEY HAVEN'T SPENT 10 MINUTES. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
openpalm45 Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Not only can they not accept that you have a different opinion, they can't accept your opinion WHEN YOU'VE SPENT HUNDREDS TO THOUSANDS OF HOURS RESEARCHING IT AND THEY HAVEN'T SPENT 10 MINUTES. THAT is the worst. It makes me soooo frustrated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Not only can they not accept that you have a different opinion, they can't accept your opinion WHEN YOU'VE SPENT HUNDREDS TO THOUSANDS OF HOURS RESEARCHING IT AND THEY HAVEN'T SPENT 10 MINUTES. That's becuz Jeeziz tellz us magick things. We donts needz to readz, sept speshul partz of da buy-bull. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 Not only can they not accept that you have a different opinion, they can't accept your opinion WHEN YOU'VE SPENT HUNDREDS TO THOUSANDS OF HOURS RESEARCHING IT AND THEY HAVEN'T SPENT 10 MINUTES. That's becuz Jeeziz tellz us magick things. We donts needz to readz, sept speshul partz of da buy-bull. Praize de Lard Sista Pos! A Word of Trooth haz been spokeen thru u buy de holee ghast! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dagnarus Posted June 18, 2012 Share Posted June 18, 2012 Thx T2M. I don't think she will. Too much of a mentality change for her. She'll just block out information and roll with her personal cOncept of god to the grave. I just wish she would look at the info I've seen to understand WHY I have problems with it all. But she's scared too bc she probably knows its all bs but doesn't want to confirm it. It sounds to me that she isn't the only one with the problem here. Her problems with your lack of believe aside, you definitely seem to have a problem with her continued believe. Your statement that she probably knows it's all bs deep down is somewhat reminiscent of my old believe that everyone knew that Jesus was the one true God deep down. While she definitely should respect your lack of believe. It's clear from your comments that it's not just about that, you want her to see what you have seen, and you seem to have a subtle contempt for either her inability or unwillingness to do it. It's bothering you that a requirement of her respecting your character is that you believe in her god. Maybe she's worried that you are requiring her to not believe in what has been an integral part of her world view since childhood in order for you to respect her intelligence. If she feeling subtle pressure from you to give up god this could be putting her on the defensive. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcdaddy Posted June 18, 2012 Author Share Posted June 18, 2012 Thx T2M. I don't think she will. Too much of a mentality change for her. She'll just block out information and roll with her personal cOncept of god to the grave. I just wish she would look at the info I've seen to understand WHY I have problems with it all. But she's scared too bc she probably knows its all bs but doesn't want to confirm it. It sounds to me that she isn't the only one with the problem here. Her problems with your lack of believe aside, you definitely seem to have a problem with her continued believe. Your statement that she probably knows it's all bs deep down is somewhat reminiscent of my old believe that everyone knew that Jesus was the one true God deep down. While she definitely should respect your lack of believe. It's clear from your comments that it's not just about that, you want her to see what you have seen, and you seem to have a subtle contempt for either her inability or unwillingness to do it. It's bothering you that a requirement of her respecting your character is that you believe in her god. Maybe she's worried that you are requiring her to not believe in what has been an integral part of her world view since childhood in order for you to respect her intelligence. If she feeling subtle pressure from you to give up god this could be putting her on the defensive. I never bring it up, hell, I go to church with her every damn week. I just wish people in general would view both sides of an argument before driving their stake into the ground. I guess it's more towards that mindset in general than her, specifically. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ro-bear Posted June 18, 2012 Share Posted June 18, 2012 Why does your wife care so much about what you believe in? Are you married? Believe me, wives care about everything. At least they do at first. Later, they quit caring about some things. They start to pick their battles. Same with husbands, I suppose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inorbit Posted June 18, 2012 Share Posted June 18, 2012 She tries to be understanding (well, not really. she tries to APPEAR understanding to be a good witness), but she likes to put me on guilt trips. This puts it so, so well. Also, what you (mcdaddy) said about the Thought Police. I am thankfully unmarried, but I have housemates who are severely fundy. One is going to bible college, and the other is involved full-time (living 100% on support) in the same ministry I'm still stuck with one foot in. They have no idea, though. But, if they saw me reading or saying anything "questionable," they would want to confront me and probably want me out of the house, since I'd be "letting in demons" or some such nonsense. I think with marriage (obviously not speaking from experience here), open dialogue is huge. Also, when and where you have said dialogue. In front of the children is obviously not the place. Maybe establish some ground rules like that. Even if you feel clearly divided in your relationship in some areas, it's important for your kids to see a united front, if that makes sense. I think. I could just be talking out my ass here. How you do that? I have no idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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