Who I Am

[Akheia]

FOD, I hope everything's going okay. (Did you know you can't receive PMs?)

[Legion]

 

Who!

I am

Who!

I am

Who!

I am

 

understand

make a stand

 

Who!

I am

Who!

I am

 

What I be

and how

I came to be.

 

Who!

I am.

[Kaiser01]

Fallout dude I sympathize with your situation, A while back I too started to crawl back to Christianity. When I began calling myself a Christian again it didn’t sit right with me at all. I would read the bible and would find stuff in the new testament that I could not stomach, I would try to rationalize things but ultimately it was to hard to understand something and in my opinion took to much effort. Why, I thought to myself did I haft to behave like a theologian to understand a document that was supposed to be DIVINLLY understood. There are to many interpretations of the same thing because not even the greatest theologian can understand the bible completely. Why is this? How can I claim that the bible is divine if it behaves so humanistic. There is nothing in the bible that could not have been written by a common intellectual in the 9th century BC or the first century AD. God is supposed to be so grand, so transcendent of the reality around us, so much greater but why is it that God in the bible takes the most “human” action. In the old testament he orders the slaughter of millions, does this disprove God? No it doesn’t but it shows that this higher being takes the most Human action possible. Why should we logically say that the bible is divine if it shows all the hallmarks of a human document written in the society of the time? There is nothing, NOTHING in the bible that shows it comes from a higher God. But there is much that shows it comes from man, especially in comparison to other historical documents from the same period of time.

 

This idea is even greater reinforced by the fact God is unnecessary. For anything. By the laws of physics we know that God is not needed for stars to form, not needed for planets to form, not needed for life to form if our current progress is anything to say, and he is not necessary for you.

 

The worlds economies of the world do not need God to make a business transaction. Civilization needs no God. So why should we say God exist? Why, if he is not necessary should we claim he is necessary for all things. When you understand enough about the Big Bang you also learn God is not necessary for the unierse to exist either.

 

Our insignificance is another indication of why it is irrational and conceded to say God exist.

 



If God exist, He made that, Yet it is useless. The only thing that matters in that entire galaxy is earth, a speck of dust in the field of 250 billion stars… does this sound correct. But hey its just one galaxy, its all for Gods glory.

 



 

Now imagine that single galaxy above and multiply it by 100 billion times. This entire universe, everything in it, EVRYTHING is a waste. That picture is a waste because this little speck of dust is all that matters. It cant even be called a speck, that makes it to significant. Let us say this atom, no this quark that we live on is the center of the universe. It is all that matters.

 



 

This picture, is a picture of earth beyond Neptune. Just Neptune, Our tinny little part of the galaxy, this tinny solar system out of billions and even here that is earth. Every one who has lived their life, every event, every piece of history has happened on that pale blue dot. This is God. This is how big he is, How powerful, How majestic. This is how important we are to the universe, this floating quark in the relm of 100 billion galaxies.

 

This is what we get though.

 



 

This book, God is so grand isn’t he? A book full of holes and theological problems, a book advocating genocide and slavery from a God who is larger than the universe. Don’t throw it away FOD, Don’t throw away your sanity for something made by man, something so selfish as this book, something as selfish and geocentric as religion.

[Falloutdude]

If I knew people would still be willing to talk/did, I would have replied, but I was afraid I'd been away from it too long/got distracted and that no one would still be willing to talk.

 

The thing is I already have. I learned a little bit more about the possible effects of MJ, and that it can increase the likelihood of developing Schizophrenia. I already feel so lost because of that stupid experience with my dad, and with all of my unanswered questions about our existence and life, about things that don't make sense. I don't know. I used to be articulate to some extent, but I have pretty much no real drive or passion for learning anymore. I know things, and understand some things, but my thinking is more convoluted. Smoking is the only thing I have left because the fear without it is so great, and I feel so stuck.

 

Also, I don't know how to just ignore my emotions. I try, but they come back and thoughts come back, and there seems to be nothing left to help me anyways. Even if I felt like doing anything anymore, other than hanging out with my friend, I am basically afraid I've already fucked up my head. My whole identity was around my intelligence and writing skills. At the same time though there was always these incessant problems. All these worried thoughts about this or that making me depressed enough, and broken-down enough, to start thinking that Christianity really might be true. I don't want to follow it and I fight it, but it only does so much when you can't even go to college, the one thing that kept me sane. That I may just be doomed to go steadily insane as I will never be able to have any sort of normal life. I have been smoking for over a year, or almost a year, now. I am afraid that I will develop the same condition as my dad was diagnosed with in the navy, paranoid schizophrenia, even though he doesn't hear voices or whatever now, he is kind of prone to having dreamlike hallucinations when waking. He used to talk about seeing things all the time, and I am scared that my heavy use of weed has already made it very likely that I will become schizophrenic. And since I am still struggling with these issues, I am afraid it will be impossible to really ever live a normal life, and not be a Christian, because of the emotional baggage that would put to strain on my psyche, and I will just totally lose anything I had of a normal life.

 

I wish I would never have prayed that damn prayer after I was out, even though I was worrying a lot at the time (you guys saw that, when I was posting issue after issue), I could have gotten past it had I just not thought that perhaps, what if, what happened was an "answered prayer". I am trying to move on even if I do believe, because I do not want to be one, and I do not love their god, but I fear him. I fear their perception of reality to be truth. I am so afraid all the time....I'm so tired of being scared.

 

I am so afraid of losing my mind. It's all I have. Not to mention the fact that this whole thing has made me doubt any conviction that I had that Christians were wrong, and that I can think for myself, because if I made this mistake living this life, then how can I have any confidence that I am not some dim, over prideful dumbass who needs god to save him from himself. My dad is kind of like that, and I know a lot of people like that.

 

I just fear that I will not be able to let go of my experience. Since it seemed to be the first time in awhile I'd prayed for a sign in a long time, after a period of apostasy. It makes me think that maybe, even if I don't want it to be true, god gave me a sign for my heartfelt prayer because I was a lost sheep, through my father. It's not so much I believe what happened was actually a sign as I am afraid of the possibility that it might be, and also become embroiled in emotional turmoil whenever it comes back in my mind. I can have some moments of feeling ok, but it's usually by doing other things. I want to feel intellectually free, but I don't know how to again. Now this possibility of being hurled into psychosis or insanity disturbs any confidence or hope. I also am not sure that my brain hasn't already been altered so that my previous intelligence will be unattainable. Most of all I am afraid of not being able to move on because of my insecurities and doubts. Afraid I lost any cognitive acuteness, and possible higher propensity towards paranoia, leading me to believe in demons and spirits again. Making it impossible for me not to be paranoid and anxious about these things. That my mistake, even if I can somehow lead a normal life, will make me feel so insecure about myself, built upon the insecurity I already have, and leave me at the mercy of the Christian religion, and "I told you so" sort of doctrines that make you feel like your mistakes prove your own stupidity/ineptitude to live a life without god.

 

That is why I am trying to come to peace with the idea that even if I believe, or fear, Christianity is true, that I might be able to live despite of it. That I can live in defiance without fearing my end. The problem is I don't know how to do that. I was reading some rationalwiki.org wikipages about the bible and god, with their index of relevant details, and jokes at the absurdities of some things, and I felt somewhat ok about the whole thing. However, whenever I have doubts and the emotions kick in, I can see nothing else. So even if I could feel better, I dont' believe it or see how it could happen, when I am in those thought processes.

[Kaiser01]

If I knew people would still be willing to talk/did, I would have replied, but I was afraid I'd been away from it too long/got distracted and that no one would still be willing to talk.

 

The thing is I already have. I learned a little bit more about the possible effects of MJ, and that it can increase the likelihood of developing Schizophrenia. I already feel so lost because of that stupid experience with my dad, and with all of my unanswered questions about our existence and life, about things that don't make sense. I don't know. I used to be articulate to some extent, but I have pretty much no real drive or passion for learning anymore. I know things, and understand some things, but my thinking is more convoluted. Smoking is the only thing I have left because the fear without it is so great, and I feel so stuck.

 

Also, I don't know how to just ignore my emotions. I try, but they come back and thoughts come back, and there seems to be nothing left to help me anyways. Even if I felt like doing anything anymore, other than hanging out with my friend, I am basically afraid I've already fucked up my head. My whole identity was around my intelligence and writing skills. At the same time though there was always these incessant problems. All these worried thoughts about this or that making me depressed enough, and broken-down enough, to start thinking that Christianity really might be true. I don't want to follow it and I fight it, but it only does so much when you can't even go to college, the one thing that kept me sane. That I may just be doomed to go steadily insane as I will never be able to have any sort of normal life. I have been smoking for over a year, or almost a year, now. I am afraid that I will develop the same condition as my dad was diagnosed with in the navy, paranoid schizophrenia, even though he doesn't hear voices or whatever now, he is kind of prone to having dreamlike hallucinations when waking. He used to talk about seeing things all the time, and I am scared that my heavy use of weed has already made it very likely that I will become schizophrenic. And since I am still struggling with these issues, I am afraid it will be impossible to really ever live a normal life, and not be a Christian, because of the emotional baggage that would put to strain on my psyche, and I will just totally lose anything I had of a normal life.

 

I wish I would never have prayed that damn prayer after I was out, even though I was worrying a lot at the time (you guys saw that, when I was posting issue after issue), I could have gotten past it had I just not thought that perhaps, what if, what happened was an "answered prayer". I am trying to move on even if I do believe, because I do not want to be one, and I do not love their god, but I fear him. I fear their perception of reality to be truth. I am so afraid all the time....I'm so tired of being scared.

 

I am so afraid of losing my mind. It's all I have. Not to mention the fact that this whole thing has made me doubt any conviction that I had that Christians were wrong, and that I can think for myself, because if I made this mistake living this life, then how can I have any confidence that I am not some dim, over prideful dumbass who needs god to save him from himself. My dad is kind of like that, and I know a lot of people like that.

 

I just fear that I will not be able to let go of my experience. Since it seemed to be the first time in awhile I'd prayed for a sign in a long time, after a period of apostasy. It makes me think that maybe, even if I don't want it to be true, god gave me a sign for my heartfelt prayer because I was a lost sheep, through my father. It's not so much I believe what happened was actually a sign as I am afraid of the possibility that it might be, and also become embroiled in emotional turmoil whenever it comes back in my mind. I can have some moments of feeling ok, but it's usually by doing other things. I want to feel intellectually free, but I don't know how to again. Now this possibility of being hurled into psychosis or insanity disturbs any confidence or hope. I also am not sure that my brain hasn't already been altered so that my previous intelligence will be unattainable. Most of all I am afraid of not being able to move on because of my insecurities and doubts. Afraid I lost any cognitive acuteness, and possible higher propensity towards paranoia, leading me to believe in demons and spirits again. Making it impossible for me not to be paranoid and anxious about these things. That my mistake, even if I can somehow lead a normal life, will make me feel so insecure about myself, built upon the insecurity I already have, and leave me at the mercy of the Christian religion, and "I told you so" sort of doctrines that make you feel like your mistakes prove your own stupidity/ineptitude to live a life without god.

 

That is why I am trying to come to peace with the idea that even if I believe, or fear, Christianity is true, that I might be able to live despite of it. That I can live in defiance without fearing my end. The problem is I don't know how to do that. I was reading some rationalwiki.org wikipages about the bible and god, with their index of relevant details, and jokes at the absurdities of some things, and I felt somewhat ok about the whole thing. However, whenever I have doubts and the emotions kick in, I can see nothing else. So even if I could feel better, I dont' believe it or see how it could happen, when I am in those thought processes.

 

Man, this will only stress you out more but i think the only reason you saw a sign was because you expected too. you expected to because of your OCD and that it has made you expect it. Your a wreck, you need to just let go, you cant keep living like this. If it is what you must do then go find a church, go to the alter and pray. It may not be true but if it helps you then do it. You just need to get away, play the christian game for a while, see how it goes and if you find it isnt working in the future you will be more able to let go. I have some OCD problems with this stuff, or well did. when i turned and faced it, the OCD went away and i was able to let go.

[Falloutdude]

That's the thing though. I mean, I really can't because I know too many people who it works for. I also am not ok with the values and ideas of the culture. I cannot do what is best for me or others on this earth, instead I must strive for something I do not think is right, and at the same time deny what is best for me emotionally, physically, and "spiritually". What would you do if you wanted nothing to do with something? Would you do it just so you would feel better, even if you loathed it? Would you support ideals you didn't believe in or, outright hated, just to "be ok", knowing you are just lying to yourself and spreading misery to others? I would have to cut off ties to all my friends I have now, because I cannot emotionally deal with being so torn. Also if I did that I could not continue in school, as learning is in direct conflict with those ideas. I just don't want to waste my life on something that I don't want to do, especially if there is the risk that I will never come back from it again...If I play the game, I will begin to believe and find other reasons to believe, because I am very prone to suggestion. I also have a lot of other stuff that might be playing into this, I have no idea half the time....That is why I wanted to quit weed, to try and understand what is influencing me right now.

 

The other thing is that I had some issues like this when I was in the church/near the end being obsessive about not being "in" with god. So I am thinking that like many have said it might be more to do with worrying in general. I worry about a lot of stuff, and I worry about worrying. I just don't want to go back, and I want to live my life like everyone else. I want to be able to have sex without guilt or fear, and I want to be able to live like I did before this severe insecurity set in. I want what you have, and I want my freedom, without knowing how to get it.

 

I don't know what to do. I have been told many things. I have been told that this issue isn't just religious, I have also been told I might need to go back to get everything straightened out. I have been told that life might be worse for me if I go back/I might get sucked back in and be miserable. I have thought and thought about this, and I have no idea what to think or do. What is right, what is wrong. I have no idea. I also know that I will be easily manipulated by the types of mental fucks they do, so I don't know if I could get out, and if I won't just be sucked back into the emotional maelstrom. I have all these ideas, thoughts, suggestions and possibilities, so many I just don't know what to think or do. I know for sure that I don't agree with Christian doctrines, and that I want to love and accept people without the pressure of saving them, or the pressure or living a certain way and forcing myself into a hole I don't seem to fit into. I have so many ideas and thoughts, and I have no idea where to go with them. I know I am suggestible enough that I might get sucked into the whole idea, which would include end times, lots of guilt and shame, and telling myself I something lower to god and that my thoughts or wants are just lures of Satan or should be ignored. There are so many things that I find wrong with everything if I think about it, but there are also doubts going the other way as well. It seems like even if I think the system is fucked up, that I can't convince myself that it is bullshit. I get trapped up in trying to disprove it, but everything I do just leads to other ways I might be wrong/having thoughts about what might justify this or that.

 

Everyone is telling me all these different things to do, but I don't know who to listen to. I know what I feel like is wrong or right, and what I want, but I don't know how to let go. I may have been expecting a sign, but if that is true why can't I let go without going back? Other people who I've talked to this said I don't have to go back, others, like you, say I must to face my fears. I have had thoughts on both sides, and I am at a loss for what I want to do. I know I want to be free of Christianity, but I don't want to go back if there's a chance that will mean I won't be able to. I also don't want to have to give up my therapy, which I feel like I would have to do since they teach anti-Christian things, like that your thoughts are your own/what you tell yourself, and to accept yourself for who you are.

[Xerces]

And wasn't your big mystical experience smoking weed. Weed doesn't always just calm you down, if you find a kind that disagree's with you it can fuck you up mentally particularly if your not in great shape to begin with.

 

If that happens you just smoke more of it.

[Xerces]

 

There are a whole lotta I's in that big wall of text. You think to much, about yourself mostly. Maybe if you diverted that attention to something else. I'm not suggesting what that something else should be, but you just need to stop thinking so fucking much. You know people who constantly think are depressed more often. Don't even think about my post, take it with a grain of salt.

[Falloutdude]

I only type so much so I don't miscommunicate and people understand where I am coming from exactly. People don't seem to understand that's why I explain thoroughly/I'm afraid of people misunderstanding (which happens often, especially online in text). I do this so people will know why I think a certain way and why, because otherwise I don't see them as being able to understand. How could anyone without knowing the full situation and thoughts of the other person. This is also not me all the time. When I am happy and ok, I am usually thinking more of others than I am myself. However, to solve my problems I have to think about them don't I? I have to think of myself in order to fix my own problems. I also have no one else thinking for me, or that is really in my life right now who I actually can be around. I have been hanging out less, because I don't feel like hanging out when I am like this. Also I need to think of me right now, and a lot of my friends just make me tense about not depressing them or saying certain things.

 

Mainly though, I have always been a thinker. Everything I do that I am interested involves extensive thinking (Ie school, and thinking about how what I am learning applies to other things I've learned, and the world around me, as well as what it means for what I believe). I am starting to think about just isolating more so I don't have to worry about how I come across to others and explaining extensive amounts of thought. I've always thought more than my peers, and I've also done better in school than my peers (when I actually did my work, although the lost few quarters my grades have been slipping).

 

How are you supposed to solve problems without thinking about them?

[Xerces]

How are you supposed to solve problems without thinking about them?

 

Your instincts. Do what feels good and only think about the things that really need thinking about. Like uh, paying bills and shit. If you're gonna eat doritos or cheetos while wanking it, those sorts of things. Ya dig?

[ZoeKnows]

If you feel strongly (emotionally) that Christianity is true, then you know that Christianity is a relationship with God. It doesn't have to be perfect, you don't have to agree with God to believe in him. The requirement for salvation is just belief. I think you should indulge your belief & see where it takes you. If God does exist, and if he is love & cares about you...then he understands exactly where you are at & he accepts you now, as you are.

 

I am an ex-christian, but this is what I formerly believed strongly.

 

I personally feel that you have a lot of issues with shame. You may have (at one point) felt that God eased your shame but now (instead) God increases it. You are at a loss of finding any sort of ease from it. The only thing that you can do is fully love & accept yourself. Sometimes the only way we can do that is to love someone else & then envision that person as yourself. Try to view yourself as NOT yourself. Shame is very strong & powerful. I hope you can find peace.

[midniterider]

I have 3 atheist/agnostic friends. I used to be myself. Now I do not know who or what I am. I know I ache for inner peace and I know I am standing on thin ice with who I am.

 

Due to my obsessive thoughts and anxiety, I experienced things that made me feel like I do now. Like my other issues, this isn't really specifically about those things. My problems arise from deeper theological anxieties.

 

As I have said in the past, I realize now that instead of just not believing in god, I am borderline believer who has no love for the god he believes might exist. A sinner who is offended that who he is needs to be plead forgiveness for no other reason than perfection is all that god can tolerate. Someone who rolled a joint with a page of the bible and vocally denied the holy spirit/did it out loud (I can't remember the exact verse) when I was sure it wasn't true....

 

I am afraid all of this is true, I feel little righteous conviction against Christianity anymore, and yet I know that it doesn't sit right with me.... Satanism seems my only alternative if belief is my only direction, holding onto the hope that Satan might be the one who is benevolent, but even that is soiled by the idea of eternal damnation as Satan is obviously no the stronger power. Even as I write this I see it as wishful thinking.

 

Now I am just a wreck. I do not have confidence in anything other than that I just want to feel ok and that my mother's love is the only thing keeping me alive. Even as I write this I have tears rolling down my face, thinking about how dismal life feels. I have experienced true unbelief and happiness/freedom, and that just makes this pain the worse, as well as making Christian peace a fake counterfeit for real joy and love. Yet I do not see this as evidence against it, only thinking of all the theological and apologetics which are often internally insidious, despite not making sense outside of their own context and assumptions.

 

My new counselor is nice, but she is a liberal Christian who focuses more on the "we all sin" kind of theology. I see this as a conflict of interests, as I think even she cannot completely commit herself to my happiness. She also seems to empathize with how hard this is for me, since I told her I like both men and women. In the end though, I had to tell her that I could not accept a god who could not accept anyone else, especially someone who was obviously tortured by these ideas and only wants to live his life knowing that he is not going to be penalized for trying to be himself. Someone who is loving and thoughtful, as well as extremely sensitive.

 

I love effeminate, sensitive men and women, and desire those kinds of men and women for my partner, and try to find the good in everyone while trying to help those who seem to need it, even if they don't seem to deserve it. I am extremely uncomfortable with any hard feelings and always try to fix problems between even others; when I think I've done something to offend someone or make them feel bad, I can't feel easy until I feel like I have made it better. The friend I have used to hate me because of a misunderstanding, now we are pretty good friends and she says she loves talking to me more than most people(one of my atheist friends). She is my first female friend who I can honestly say I feel deeper level.

 

I am good friends with 2 of my 3 favorite professors, and am pretty much a favorite of the third. I have been told that I am a rare student who actually thinks about what he has learned and how it's deeper implications. I have literally spoken to my professors of Anthropology and Western Civ (both atheists) for hours on end about politics, philosophy, as well as pretty much anything else you can think of, including futurama. I used to love learning, but in my current state my fear gets to me, and makes me feel like learning more is risking more happiness lost, since I can not think freely if I am wrong. I used to sit and talk for hours with my intellectual friends about politics and science, while enjoying a good toke.

 

This is only part of who I am and I don't want to lose that life to my fear and after a recent experience, I have been sinking back into depression and feeling melancholy, even though I have tried talking rationally about it I still only feel ok right after I have cried.

 

Thinking too much can be a bad thing.

[Kaiser01]

I have 3 atheist/agnostic friends. I used to be myself. Now I do not know who or what I am. I know I ache for inner peace and I know I am standing on thin ice with who I am.

 

Due to my obsessive thoughts and anxiety, I experienced things that made me feel like I do now. Like my other issues, this isn't really specifically about those things. My problems arise from deeper theological anxieties.

 

As I have said in the past, I realize now that instead of just not believing in god, I am borderline believer who has no love for the god he believes might exist. A sinner who is offended that who he is needs to be plead forgiveness for no other reason than perfection is all that god can tolerate. Someone who rolled a joint with a page of the bible and vocally denied the holy spirit/did it out loud (I can't remember the exact verse) when I was sure it wasn't true....

 

I am afraid all of this is true, I feel little righteous conviction against Christianity anymore, and yet I know that it doesn't sit right with me.... Satanism seems my only alternative if belief is my only direction, holding onto the hope that Satan might be the one who is benevolent, but even that is soiled by the idea of eternal damnation as Satan is obviously no the stronger power. Even as I write this I see it as wishful thinking.

 

Now I am just a wreck. I do not have confidence in anything other than that I just want to feel ok and that my mother's love is the only thing keeping me alive. Even as I write this I have tears rolling down my face, thinking about how dismal life feels. I have experienced true unbelief and happiness/freedom, and that just makes this pain the worse, as well as making Christian peace a fake counterfeit for real joy and love. Yet I do not see this as evidence against it, only thinking of all the theological and apologetics which are often internally insidious, despite not making sense outside of their own context and assumptions.

 

My new counselor is nice, but she is a liberal Christian who focuses more on the "we all sin" kind of theology. I see this as a conflict of interests, as I think even she cannot completely commit herself to my happiness. She also seems to empathize with how hard this is for me, since I told her I like both men and women. In the end though, I had to tell her that I could not accept a god who could not accept anyone else, especially someone who was obviously tortured by these ideas and only wants to live his life knowing that he is not going to be penalized for trying to be himself. Someone who is loving and thoughtful, as well as extremely sensitive.

 

I love effeminate, sensitive men and women, and desire those kinds of men and women for my partner, and try to find the good in everyone while trying to help those who seem to need it, even if they don't seem to deserve it. I am extremely uncomfortable with any hard feelings and always try to fix problems between even others; when I think I've done something to offend someone or make them feel bad, I can't feel easy until I feel like I have made it better. The friend I have used to hate me because of a misunderstanding, now we are pretty good friends and she says she loves talking to me more than most people(one of my atheist friends). She is my first female friend who I can honestly say I feel deeper level.

 

I am good friends with 2 of my 3 favorite professors, and am pretty much a favorite of the third. I have been told that I am a rare student who actually thinks about what he has learned and how it's deeper implications. I have literally spoken to my professors of Anthropology and Western Civ (both atheists) for hours on end about politics, philosophy, as well as pretty much anything else you can think of, including futurama. I used to love learning, but in my current state my fear gets to me, and makes me feel like learning more is risking more happiness lost, since I can not think freely if I am wrong. I used to sit and talk for hours with my intellectual friends about politics and science, while enjoying a good toke.

 

This is only part of who I am and I don't want to lose that life to my fear and after a recent experience, I have been sinking back into depression and feeling melancholy, even though I have tried talking rationally about it I still only feel ok right after I have cried.

 

Thinking too much can be a bad thing.

 

Often times though, for most including myself, the more you try and stop yourself the more it comes.

[ConureDelSol]

I'd like to give you a more detailed reply later, but right now all I can focus on is the fact that you're seeing a Christian counselor. I don't care if she's liberal, she is NOT the kind of person you should be talking to right now.

 

GET A SECULAR COUNSELOR OR PSYCHOLOGIST!! I don't know what you're on med-wise or if you're even on meds, but MEDS WILL HELP. I don't care what anyone says, they do. If you don't like one medication, then you need to try another and another until you find the one that works for you. I have been on several and through the years have had to make adjustments because of how I've reacted to certain meds. I can say I'm no longer afraid of whether there is a god or not, but I could only quell my doubts through a mixture of anti-anxiety meds, anti-depressants, good ol' information and meditation.

[Deva]

It is a strange thing, but sometimes if you stop thinking about a problem, the solution just comes to you, and it gets solved. Not always, but sometimes.

[Guest Valk0010]

Part of something can't prove the whole of something. Unless your just simply not convinced that there is no reason to believe in the christian god, then all you got right now is a mystery. I have sort of refined a thought I put lengthy earlier here.

 

If there is good reason to believe that the Christian god doesn't exist then, the random weird experience is just that. You can be agnostic about particular details but atheist to the whole thing.

 

I find myself getting obsessed with proving the resurrection belief could happen by natural means. That is my equivalent to your issue. I have found myself in a situation, where I have realized that, if their is no reason to believe in the christian god, then there is no reason to find some equivalent explanation for the resurrection. One could be agnostic about the resurrection from a historical standpoint but atheist to christianity for other reasons. Part of the whole again doesn't prove the whole. If there are good solid logical evidence based reasons to not believe in christianity. One could be agnostic to your experiences, or agnostic to the historical specifics of the resurrection but still have good reasons to not be a christian. If there is no good reason to do anything other then be a christian, then what I am saying is false. But if there is good reason then what I am saying its completely logically possible. In both cases, between the skeptic and the christian, the situation of, I don't know but you don't either can occur. That ain't satisfying but nowhere does it says things like that have to be.

[Akheia]

http://scholar.google.com/scholar?q=excessive+rumination+and+depression&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart&sa=X&ei=h8kAUK3_AqLo2AX1_YyXCw&ved=0CFkQgQMwAA

 

I'll just leave this here, shall I?