To Enquire, To Create-Some Thoughts Of A Exchristian That Is No Longer A Newbie.

[Guest Valk0010]

"To inquire and to create, these are the centers around which all human pursuits more or less

directly revolve." "But," he goes on to say, "all moral cultures spring solely and immediately from the

inner life of the soul and can never be produced by external and artificial contrivances. The cultivation of

the understanding, as of any of man's other faculties, is generally achieved by his own activity, his own

ingenuity, or his own methods of using the discoveries of others."

Chomsky talking about Wilhelm Von Humboldt http://www.google.co...niVAt9OzfeWXgCA

 

In many way's that summerized my grand desire in life. I wished to live a existence full of not, wealth, but happiness. I found out along the way, that I am by some standard, which includes my own because of experience, mentally ill. And that, for all likelihood, I have been dealing with the same problem since I was ten. I am not totally sure i believe this, I float, from alright i believe it, to not totally quiet a lot. It may be why I sound contradictory. I am slowly accepting of the fact, that, this is true. I can't totally deny it, I know what i have lived through. Having my thoughts of things, like "The holy spirit is evil." go thru my head at times at such a speed that being a christian at the time and having no real understanding of how to cope, I would in my mind, try to say "God forgive me" just as fast. That was my first encounter though I didn't realise it at the time, with the problem of suffering and the problem of evil. I was ten years old, I am 21 now. Something else, also worked in my head that the time. Extreme bouts of irritability and rage, followed by what i didn't know at the time but found out known as depression. I remeber weeks of just feeling, dark sad and angry and times when I would blow my top I would think things like. "Make them know the pain I feel." It seems with some improvement here or there, That described the year 2000 to 2011 pretty well.

 

I knew very well what this kind of emotional landscape was, by the times, things seemed to totally get bizarre. I have documented some examples here already, but two that are particularly relevant to probably newbies here. Is that, through some irrational desicon making, I found, that I looked at death with indifference. Non existence no longer scares me. I know that there is no hell. I know the heavens are empty. The second, I have been not a theist, at any rate since I deconverted in november of 2009. October 2011, I found myself under a particularly bad strain of exhaustion. My grandma had decided to give notice to her landlord without having packed at all. I at the same time was working near full time and living at home, so helping a disabled person move at the last minute and trying to function myself didn't help. I finally cracked after a phone call with what was going to be my landlord for the next month or so. He wanted 800's dollars for rent to a house that he couldn't use. He was living with his finance. I told couldn't do it, I was afraid he was going to renege on his deal. I lost my mind, and intented to walk 30 miles to jump off a bridge. So begins my second point as I look back, on what would have to be the most free three years of my life intellectually but has mentally been the three worst. That part of your brain, that is god, wanting you to do X. Well I accessed that part of my brain, and i had been a atheist for going on three years at this point. In the process of I guess a antidepressant caused mental breakdown, I never really felt any more powerful, I felt, sad and despondent, but pure righteous and dare I say happy at the same time. All my thoughts about anything, even if were random like lines from my favorite songs, popped thru my head like someone turned a record player on fastfoward. As I walked, I heared and it seemed to come from the sky the voice of what claimed to be, both god and heaven talking to me. It was telling me not to jump. It was not a voice I ever heard before. I kept going off course, but i heard it. A atheist hearing god talk to them, explain that apologists, who try to claim christianity is unique therefore true. If I can do that, out of desperation, think about it. A dead cult leader who predicted the end of the age as coming soon and told his disciples to abandoned there families (which if you trust the gospels they more or less did), dying, would most likely make the same thing as a response, irrational methods of coping.

 

This complusion or mania, I don't know what to call it anymore, is what made deconversion hellish for me. Those not stopping thoughts of, your going to hell there right. Were hard as hell to deal with. I feel I did my best. I have recently realized as I come slowly out of this madness of the past year or so. That, yes there is definitely no reason to believe in the Christian god. This kind of suffering that, you or I go thru, the only reason, the people who invented the bible never considered it, when, asking questions like why do bad things happen to good people, could never have imagined columbine, 9/11, 7/7, darfur, Afghanistan, or personal suffering like the kind i have been thru. A first century book, wouldn't know of those sorts of things, its why say you may realize God is evil but not understand totally why. A person of the 21th century wouldn't think the same way as one from the first.

 

If there is a god and he cares about us like the christian god does, then this kind of evolution towards what we know off as 21th century morality would be insane to him. We will still be living in first century concepts. If feminism is a sin, then why does it do such obvious good. Or how about a healthy sexual ethics. If masturbation for example is a sin, why is it that christians have a higher divorce rate then atheists and are from all accounts more sexually neurotic. This is proof in and off itself, the bible is not a book for the ages its a period piece. Its why theodicy's like the kind of William Lane Craig lead to such immoral conclusions. Its a first century attempt at dealing with what is still a problem in the 21st century. Why does a moral god that is all loving allow people like me, to be afflicted with issues due to him? Because its a myth. The christian God doesn't exist. That makes way more moral or rational sense then saying that, god would want someone like me to suffer to bring me too him. Or my suffering has to happen for free will. It betrays any sense of what makes us human. If god allows suffering of the wasteful kind like mine(which if anything did the opposite of draw me to god) then he is evil and not omnibenevolent. Its why I don't believe, if I am to be asked for one reason.

 

The bible only makes sense if you see it as a conception of purely the first century. I am still dealing with alot of problems, but I am on way to being happier then I ever been. This wasn't for religion, this was for alot of hard work and alot of misery. People, who come here, not to sound cliche it does get better. It just takes alot of time. I still have a lot of work ahead of me, but i am finally becoming happier without the bible god and I am finally making some progress against the things that have made it harder for me to live. I am finally figuring out how i really am as a person. I think sooner or later I can really live, and sooner or later you reader will too.

 

 

BTW:Sorry if this is not written well, I just wanted to get the point across.

[jblueep]

Valk,

 

I just saw this. I appreciate your openness. I value your posts.

 

Jason

[Kaiser01]

Man i dont know what to say.

 

We each find truth on our own path.

[mcdaddy]

Readers digest version plz I'm tired