Christianity Is Not The Answer...

[Anti-Christian]

Christianity is not the answer...

 

I will submit this article to the blog soon but right now I wanted to post it here. To warn you though, this story is pretty bizarre...

 

I was a Christian since before my pre-teen years. Christianity didn't bother me. Then in my later teen years (17) I had such horrible guilt over committing the unpardonable sin. I went to counseling to help me resolve the issue. The good news was, the counselor told me that a Christian cannot commit the sin in question. I could have by accident, blasphemy the Holy Spirit by ignorance rather than with malice in my right mind. I was only angry.

 

With that said, I was actually ignorant of the Bible itself. While being a Christian, I had no idea what the Bible really is about (no wonder Christianity didn't bother me). All I was is a person who was taught with beliefs by my surrounding people. I was (and still am) gullible that can believe without evidence.

 

Then starting at 18 years of age I started reading the Bible out of curiosity of the truth of Christianity. At first it was fun! I really enjoyed reading all the encouraging verses of the Bible. Then I started finding darker passages throughout scripture that actually startled my feelings. I was always bothered by a passage in Acts 5 that contained an account of God striking a married couple dead. Then a passage in Corinthians (forgot which book and chapter) where God smote a group of people to sickness or to sleep (dead) over taking communion without first analyzing their sins. The Corinthians passage turned me off about taking communion, and I would NEVER EVER take communion again.

 

There were many other things that bothered me about the Bible/Christianity since I've dug deeper into the situation. I am an OCD sufferer, and my OCD was controllable, mainly consists of excessive handwashing and counting, but at age 19 Christianity converted my controllable OCD into uncontrollable OCD AND scrupulosity. Now onto what caused my scrupulosity to take effect, a very stupid cause at that, I found another passage in Corinthians (I believe the first book) comparing between two different sorrows over sins. Godly sorrow leads to salvation, and worldly sorrow leads to death. Worldly sorrow interpreted by many conservatives is to turn to Jesus because you're aware of the evil consequences, which is a sinful approach to Christianity. Godly sorrow is to feel remorse over your sins, and over your sins only, not for refusing to be punished, because that's selfish. That, bothered me because I wasn't sorry for my sins at all. In fact there are many things I enjoyed that are considered sinful by many Christians, especially the conservatives. I couldn't help that at all... I would pray constantly for God to give me the "gift" of true repentance but no answer...

 

I was startled by that verse. I asked questions on many Christian sites, and most of the answers I get were not much better. Then I get this bullshit that I must make restitution for all the damages I've done (which is a lot) or you are not saved. Again, this is supported by many conservative Christians. My mind was bottled with heavy doubts of my salvation. The fire insurance just wasn't there and Christianity was not satisfying like what Christians say it is... Whatever happened to the teaching to the faith alone salvation doctrine? What ever happened to Christianity being a relationship with God instead of a religion? Well, Christianity surely is a relationship with God, but it leads to a religion. Despise that religion and your relationship is no more.

 

I was overly scrupulous because of the sorrow comparison in the Bible. I tried with every fiber of my being to mustard up Godly repentance over sin. It worked for a very short time. In that short time I thought I've finally become truly saved! I was extremely scrupulous and extremely careful not to sin or to get tempted or to feel joy in the sins I may have committed. It was a walk on eggshells, and was not a joyous experience... It was fearful! Then overtime I feel guilt again. I would go to bed guilty, wake up guilty, and even feel guilt in my dreams! My good dreams would also turn into terrible nightmares, nightmares based on my religious fears. One night my guilt has got even worse, causing my heart to work overtime in anxiety, in my sleep! I felt lost, I felt unimportant to and rejected by God. This is when I backed out of giving a damn about my sins/misdeeds. I felt relief, BIG time relief. I still held onto God as a person, but dropped my guilt feelings. I was also hostile towards the Christian religion (besides God) as a whole, calling it a crock of shit.

 

At age 20 my relief wore off. Guilt returned, and finally My OCD would attack me each and every day with ugly thoughts about sin and condemnation. Then my OCD would also give me flashes of God constantly smiting me and yelling at me, each and every time I remember doing a sin. I didn't even respond, and it still goes on. Next, I finally started talk backing to God in my head. At the time I didn't even know it's my OCD doing this. I thought it really was God punishing me. I would get so angry with Him I started committing many sins just so I can piss Him off even more. I would mock Him, insult Him, call Him just about every name in the book including cuss/swear words, etc. in my own mind. Yes, He would respond, with a real nasty and rigorous context. No He would not say a cuss word, however He often used Biblical vocabulary! The usual tone of His voice I would hear in my head is rigid and firm. Sometimes He would raise His voice depending how angry He gets.

 

My mind had a lasting brutal war between only two people, me and God. It was a terrifying experience. It caused me to develop new sinful habits in my life, like hating my enemies, wishing them dead, browsing pornography, and a large series of other bad sins I prefer to keep in private. I felt hopeless, I felt like I sold myself to Christianity. Rebel against Christianity, and experience its wrath. I've learned from the experience the Love of God extends only to those who kiss His ass with "good works"; attending church each and every Sunday; read the Bible each and every day; and praying before acting, talking, working, eating, driving, enjoying entertainment, and going to bed.

 

This is my story in a nutshell. I wanted to thank Nature for such a wonderful solution to Christianity. After all this bullshit excessive praying for God to reveal, I didn't get any answers. Christianity is not the answer, it's the problem. Leaving the fold is the answer to the question. Even if Christianity were true, there is no turning back for me. My experience with Christianity was way too bizarre to face the atrocities again. If Hell exists, then I am sure I'll be there for all of eternity, which I really do not look forward to but that's the way it is and there's nothing I can do about it. I cannot understand the complexities of Christianity without serious discipline and willpower, in which I lack the patience for that. Maybe I cannot understand the complexities of Christianity at all.

 

Christianity just isn't for everyone. I am not the kind of person for this or any other religion. Me being a liberal, and an "I do as I please" kind of person, being a Christian is a total opposite of my nature. I want one nature, not two. I want spiritual peace, not a spiritual war. I want a joyous life, not a fearful guilt-saturated life.

 

Now that I'm still in recovery stage, my OCD still exists, but a large portion has vanished away. However for my remaining portion, I will seek attention and advice on curing that. Feel free to post comments providing advice of any kind concerning my OCD. Now If you enjoyed my story, I can probably write a side story going deeper into my Christian experience, or even a sequel, "The Recovery", in the future.

[Franko47]

Welcome to the site, A.C. I'm rather new here myself.

 

 

I've discovered even my first few days here to be somewhat therapeutic. Reading the testimony of others, making some commentary myself, and knowing that we are not alone in this struggle.

 

I can also relate to the OCD thing. I've had friends with various degrees of it; sometimes I can become obsessed with annoying thoughts that seem to come from outside myself, but I began to realize years ago that all of this is generated within our own mental domain. There is no "out there" beaming thoughts or fears into our mind. However, throughout ancient cultures this syndrome was at times considered a blessing. Much of the Bible itself is written by men who thought that their ideas were coming from "out there". We now can tell that so much of the religious writings of many religions are merely projections of the human imagination.

 

Christianity just isn't for everyone. I am not the kind of person for this or any other religion. Me being a liberal, and an "I do as I please" kind of person, being a Christian is a total opposite of my nature. I want one nature, not two. I want spiritual peace, not a spiritual war. I want a joyous life, not a fearful guilt-saturated life.

 

 

Don't you think there is something horribly wrong when an honest and decent person examines these things and realizes that such a practice actually conflicts with their sense of values, freedom, and well-being ? Wouldn't God appreciate a truly thoughtful person, who wants to practice an ethical life, but finds it silly to be bogged down with stress and guilt over little "animal" needs ? That in a way, part of Christianity is trying to offer an opiate that appeals to want and fear, as opposed to genuine examination of reality and human nature ? That while people are being slaughtered mercilessly throughout the world in various wars and famines and plagues (not even their fault) that God would be concerned with a human looking at internet porn? Does this not smack of a God-concept that is so self-centered, that you have a nation of modern right-wing Christians who are against universal health care for special needs children ? Would Jesus be turning away poor folks from modern hospitals while holding the door open for the wealthy ? (Just bring that up if you want to make a conservative Christian angry).

 

Sorry if I'm sort of soap-boxing here in your thread, but one of the first steps to de-conversion it to admit the many absurdities of religion in general and modern Christianity in particular.

 

I'm certain other members will have more to say about your remarks. Remember, many have gone through the process of realization that you have had to endure; as well as wrestling with stuff like OCD and forms of manic depression. Actually, I consider much of the Bible to be one long litany of manic-depression. One moment God is this glorious friend of humanity, the next he's squashing us like bugs. Yeah, that's a consistent outlook.

[pitchu]

Congratulations on hacking your way through the mess that is xianity, Anti-Christian. What a horrible time you had trying to find yourself in this impossible miasmic torture of a belief system.

 

There is a member here -- Ameen -- who works with those afflicted with OCD.

 

Good luck to you on your journey toward cleaning out all those closets of fear and self-loathing, and welcome to this place of freethought.

[TheBeast]

Hello Anti Christian,

 

As a new deconvert myself, i extend my welcome to you. In the initial phase of my deconversion i suffered from a mild form of depression and anxiety (thinking what if hell is real?). Both of these left me (99%) as the process of reason worked its way into my mind, though i am still a work in progress to some extent as well (the other 1%).

 

My advice is to stay away from as many christian influences as possible....the bible god himself seems bipolar to me. For the wellbeing of your mind, a period of time away from bibles and christians may do you wonders.

 

All the best

 

TheBeast

[Anti-Christian]

I would like to thank and appreciate everyone for responding to my thread. I feel better returning to the free thinking stage again. Fundamentalist Christianity is one of the more poisonous religions ever in which will never return.

 

TheBeast: Well, I think I'll extend my period of time away from the Bible to never opening the book again. On the other hand, I really appreciate your reply.

[hereticzero]

Howdy, welcome to the forum.

 

I deconverted after many years as a believer. Christianity is like a good meal gone bad. It tastes great for the first several bites and then once it settles on your stomach, you regret eating it. Christianity is subtle food poisoning. The more you eat of it, the sicker you get. I'm glad you backed away from the buffet.

[Weetie]

Now that I'm 21 years of age and still in recovery stage, my OCD still exists, but a large portion has vanished away. However for my remaining portion, I will seek attention and advice on curing that. Feel free to post comments providing advice of any kind concerning my OCD.

 

AC, Sounds like you've really been through the wringer! I'm glad to read at the end of your post that you're seeking attention & advice for your OCD & last stage of your recovery.

 

I have a good friend who has OCD-like symptoms & suffered with them into his late 30's before finally seeking help. What I didn't know for a long time is that he was tormented with the same kind of religious-based guilt you're talking about. He heard voices accusing him of things he'd done wrong, couldn't sleep, etc. His parents are born-again & only ever told him to pray about it. They never even considered saying he should get counseling or anything. I think that Fundamentalism can take an especially heavy toll on people with OCD because they already tend to turn a lot of negativity inward on themselves & adding a judgemental God & sin obsession to that mix is like tossing gasoline on a fire.

 

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I suggest you look into getting counseling. You shouldn't have to continue working your way through all this on your own. I started going to a counselor back in January & it's been a huge help. It's somebody you can tell all your problems to & they really LISTEN & help you figure out how to deal with them. It's sort of like praying, except that there's a real person in the room & they talk back & don't scold you.

[Anti-Christian]

Now that I'm 21 years of age and still in recovery stage, my OCD still exists, but a large portion has vanished away. However for my remaining portion, I will seek attention and advice on curing that. Feel free to post comments providing advice of any kind concerning my OCD.

 

AC, Sounds like you've really been through the wringer! I'm glad to read at the end of your post that you're seeking attention & advice for your OCD & last stage of your recovery.

 

I have a good friend who has OCD-like symptoms & suffered with them into his late 30's before finally seeking help. What I didn't know for a long time is that he was tormented with the same kind of religious-based guilt you're talking about. He heard voices accusing him of things he'd done wrong, couldn't sleep, etc. His parents are born-again & only ever told him to pray about it. They never even considered saying he should get counseling or anything. I think that Fundamentalism can take an especially heavy toll on people with OCD because they already tend to turn a lot of negativity inward on themselves & adding a judgemental God & sin obsession to that mix is like tossing gasoline on a fire.

 

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I suggest you look into getting counseling. You shouldn't have to continue working your way through all this on your own. I started going to a counselor back in January & it's been a huge help. It's somebody you can tell all your problems to & they really LISTEN & help you figure out how to deal with them. It's sort of like praying, except that there's a real person in the room & they talk back & don't scold you.

Yeah counseling is one of the pipelines for advice I am going to.

 

Also concerning your friend, yeah, that's exactly what I've been through. Isn't that nice? I wouldn't want my worst enemy suffering the clutches of fundamentalism!

 

@HereticZero: An excellent metaphor. I was thinking the same way even before you posted that!

[Guest Johnny]

Christianity is not the answer...

...it is the question

 

I will submit this article to the blog soon but right now I wanted to post it here. To warn you though, this story is pretty bizarre...

 

I was a Christian since before my pre-teen years. Christianity didn't bother me. Then in my later teen years (17) I had such horrible guilt over committing the unpardonable sin. I went to counseling to help me resolve the issue. The good news was, the counselor told me that a Christian cannot commit the sin in question. I could have by accident, blasphemy the Holy Spirit by ignorance rather than with malice in my right mind. I was only angry.

 

With that said, I was actually ignorant of the Bible itself. While being a Christian, I had no idea what the Bible really is about (no wonder Christianity didn't bother me). All I was is a person who was taught with beliefs by my surrounding people. I was (and still am) gullible that can believe without evidence.

 

Then starting at 18 years of age I started reading the Bible out of curiosity of the truth of Christianity. At first it was fun! I really enjoyed reading all the encouraging verses of the Bible. Then I started finding darker passages throughout scripture that actually startled my feelings. I was always bothered by a passage in Acts 5 that contained an account of God striking a married couple dead. Then a passage in Corinthians (forgot which book and chapter) where God smote a group of people to sickness or to sleep (dead) over taking communion without first analyzing their sins. The Corinthians passage turned me off about taking communion, and I would NEVER EVER take communion again.

 

There were many other things that bothered me about the Bible/Christianity since I've dug deeper into the situation. I am an OCD sufferer, and my OCD was controllable, mainly consists of excessive handwashing and counting, but at age 19 Christianity converted my controllable OCD into uncontrollable OCD AND scrupulosity. Now onto what caused my scrupulosity to take effect, a very stupid cause at that, I found another passage in Corinthians (I believe the first book) comparing between two different sorrows over sins. Godly sorrow leads to salvation, and worldly sorrow leads to death. Worldly sorrow interpreted by many conservatives is to turn to Jesus because you're aware of the evil consequences, which is a sinful approach to Christianity. Godly sorrow is to feel remorse over your sins, and over your sins only, not for refusing to be punished, because that's selfish. That, bothered me because I wasn't sorry for my sins at all. In fact there are many things I enjoyed that are considered sinful by many Christians, especially the conservatives. I couldn't help that at all... I would pray constantly for God to give me the "gift" of true repentance but no answer...

 

I was startled by that verse. I asked questions on many Christian sites, and most of the answers I get were not much better. Then I get this bullshit that I must make restitution for all the damages I've done (which is a lot) or you are not saved. Again, this is supported by many conservative Christians. My mind was bottled with heavy doubts of my salvation. The fire insurance just wasn't there and Christianity was not satisfying like what Christians say it is... Whatever happened to the teaching to the faith alone salvation doctrine? What ever happened to Christianity being a relationship with God instead of a religion? Well, Christianity surely is a relationship with God, but it leads to a religion. Despise that religion and your relationship is no more.

 

I was overly scrupulous because of the sorrow comparison in the Bible. I tried with every fiber of my being to mustard up Godly repentance over sin. It worked for a very short time. In that short time I thought I've finally become truly saved! I was extremely scrupulous and extremely careful not to sin or to get tempted or to feel joy in the sins I may have committed. It was a walk on eggshells, and was not a joyous experience... It was fearful! Then overtime I feel guilt again. I would go to bed guilty, wake up guilty, and even feel guilt in my dreams! My good dreams would also turn into terrible nightmares, nightmares based on my religious fears. One night my guilt has got even worse, causing my heart to work overtime in anxiety, in my sleep! I felt lost, I felt unimportant to and rejected by God. This is when I backed out of giving a damn about my sins/misdeeds. I felt relief, BIG time relief. I still held onto God as a person, but dropped my guilt feelings. I was also hostile towards the Christian religion (besides God) as a whole, calling it a crock of shit.

 

At age 20 my relief wore off. Guilt returned, and finally My OCD would attack me each and every day with ugly thoughts about sin and condemnation. Then my OCD would also give me flashes of God constantly smiting me and yelling at me, each and every time I remember doing a sin. I didn't even respond, and it still goes on. Next, I finally started talk backing to God in my head. At the time I didn't even know it's my OCD doing this. I thought it really was God punishing me. I would get so angry with Him I started committing many sins just so I can piss Him off even more. I would mock Him, insult Him, call Him just about every name in the book including cuss/swear words, etc. in my own mind. Yes, He would respond, with a real nasty and rigorous context. No He would not say a cuss word, however He often used Biblical vocabulary! The usual tone of His voice I would hear in my head is rigid and firm. Sometimes He would raise His voice depending how angry He gets.

 

My mind had a lasting brutal war between only two people, me and God. It was a terrifying experience. It caused me to develop new sinful habits in my life, like hating my enemies, wishing them dead, browsing pornography, and a large series of other bad sins I prefer to keep in private. I felt hopeless, I felt like I sold myself to Christianity. Rebel against Christianity, and experience its wrath. I've learned from the experience the Love of God extends only to those who kiss His ass with "good works"; attending church each and every Sunday; read the Bible each and every day; and praying before acting, talking, working, eating, driving, enjoying entertainment, and going to bed. Maybe even praying before pissing, shitting, and barfing!

 

There are several OT (and a couple NT) passages preaching against a popular belief "God's love is unconditional." According to these passages, God hates workers of iniquity. Another set of passages that bothered my feelings. Is the God I'm supposed to worship, revere, love, and serve, a God of love? Or is He a God of hatred, wrath, and cruelty? Well from what I've read from the Bible, He is a living, breathing complex of contradictions.

 

This is my experience with Christianity, and OCD/scrupulosity in a nutshell. It was a terrifying experience! I thought I was alone in having God yelling me/smiting me in my OCD. Actually I still think I am. I have never seen another OCD story like mine. I have read other stories of Christians getting startled over making restitution with your past sins that caused damage and entered into scrupulosity...

 

Finally I have discovered this site, ExChristian.net. I found out I am NOT alone in leaving Christianity. Everyone surrounding me who are Christians have never left their faith. Me being the only one who did leave the faith left me feeling alone. Ever since I embraced Ex-Christian.net most of my OCD has healed. It only takes leaving the fold to cure from such a ridiculous situation in my life. Praying didn't do a God Damn thing for my life. The Bible says "Pray without ceasing." Well, no matter how many times I pray, I don't get any answers. It leaves me alone, with my questions unanswered. Again, Christianity is not satisfying. I've had a more satisfying life without all this Biblical nonsense...

 

I wanted to thank Nature for such a wonderful solution to Christianity. After all this bullshit excessive praying for God to reveal, I didn't get any answers. Christianity is not the answer, it's the question. Leaving the fold is the answer to the question. Even if Christianity were true, there is no turning back for me. My experience with Christianity was way too bizarre to face the atrocities again. I can't afford to feed my OCD anymore! If Hell exists, then I am sure I'll be there for all of eternity, which I really do not look forward to but that's the way it is and there's nothing I can do about it. I cannot understand the complexities of Christianity without serious discipline and willpower, in which I lack the patience for that. Maybe I cannot understand the complexities of Christianity at all.

 

Christianity just isn't for everyone. I am not the kind of person for this or any other religion. Me being a liberal, and an "I do as I please" kind of person, being a Christian is a total opposite of my nature. I want one nature, not two. I want spiritual peace, not a spiritual war. I want a joyous life, not a fearful guilt-saturated life.

 

Now that I'm 21 years of age and still in recovery stage, my OCD still exists, but a large portion has vanished away. However for my remaining portion, I will seek attention and advice on curing that. Feel free to post comments providing advice of any kind concerning my OCD. Now If you enjoyed my story, I can probably write a side story going deeper into my Christian experience, or even a sequel, "The Recovery", in the future.

Hey, I know what you are feeling. I am 21 as well. What kept me up at night since the time I was about 11 was the fear of hell. It drove me crazy, I would think that my parents were going to hell, because I was told at a summer camp that "lukewarm" Christians were going to hell, and they were going to get it worse off than anyone else. I decided that "lukewarm" was a good description of my parents. I would lay awake at night picturing my family going to hell. Picturing them being dragged down to the pits of hell at "Judgement Day," and I would cry. I would plead, beg and scream to God to forgive my parents. I never saw God as love, I feared God. God seemed like a malevolent dictator sitting up there watching me, keeping a tally of my sins. I would pass people on the street and wonder if they were going to hell. What made it all the worse for me was the fact that my youth pastors would casually discuss the fact that about 75% of the population was going to hell like they were discussing the weather. It made me sick! If everyone was going to hell shouldn't we be doing more to prevent it? They would talk about God's love and grace, but I didn't actually see it, I saw fear and condemnation. I pictured myself as a horrible, evil person, total depravity. That is how I viewed the rest of humanity, naturally, as that is what I was taught. I was obsessed with hell. I believe the stress of worrying about is what caused me mental problems later on in life. I tried switching to Catholicism, but it was the other side of the same coin. They taught all non-Catholics were going to hell, so now I had the rest of my family, and my wife to worry about.

About 3 or 4 months ago I discovered universalism, the idea that all men will be saved at some point. I began actually researching the true origins of Christianity. I soon discovered that early Christians had no concept of eternal hell. That concept was borrowed from pagan myths and folklore, also poor translations of the original greek. I also discovered that almost all Christianity was borrowed from paganism. But really, once I discovered hell was just a myth borrowed from the pagans by Constantine when he invented the Catholic Church the rest of Christianity fell like a house of cards. I looked around into Buddhist/Power of Now-esque philosophies, and even gnosticism, however gnosticism creeped me out. After further research I decided all institutional religions were garbage. I had no time for them. I now consider myself a deist, I believe in a God that...designed the universe but that is about as far as I take it.

[franklyorange]

I think that Fundamentalism can take an especially heavy toll on people with OCD because they already tend to turn a lot of negativity inward on themselves & adding a judgemental God & sin obsession to that mix is like tossing gasoline on a fire.

 

Mix any type of mental disorder and fundamentalism and it's a recipe for a very unhappy person. I suffered extreme low self esteem and depression and found my christian experience brutally tormenting. I just came to the place where I told God I would rather go to hell than suffer the shit I'm suffering. And I meant it, too.

 

With medication and counseling and some good self help books, I'm off to living the rest of my life productive and happy

[wt-hell?!]

It's good to see that you got out. I completely agree that not all people are made to blindly follow any type of religion. I'm definitely not one of those kinds of people. And when I first started my deconversion about 4 years or so ago, I saw a definite decrease in my OCD tendencies. Now that I'm completely deconverted and could care less about that kind of religious stuff I feel so much better and only a few of my anxieties remain. It is definitely something I've had to work through (with out prayer, with counseling). I feel so much more free, more peace and joy. It's incredible that all the stuff I was told I would feel in Christianity and tried to make myself feel has come without all the guilt and religious affiliations.

[lunaticheathen]

I think that Fundamentalism can take an especially heavy toll on people with OCD because they already tend to turn a lot of negativity inward on themselves & adding a judgemental God & sin obsession to that mix is like tossing gasoline on a fire.

 

Mix any type of mental disorder and fundamentalism and it's a recipe for a very unhappy person. I suffered extreme low self esteem and depression and found my christian experience brutally tormenting. I just came to the place where I told God I would rather go to hell than suffer the shit I'm suffering. And I meant it, too.

 

With medication and counseling and some good self help books, I'm off to living the rest of my life productive and happy

Ditto on the low self-esteem and depression, which I still struggle with. I find it very difficult to find a good therapist though, since I usually end up being smarter than them, which really pisses a lot of them off for some reason. But, leaving christianity was definitely the best thing I did for my mental state. I wasn't tormented by the dead-beat abusive daddy in the sky any more.

[Deva]

Woldeyesus, you seem to have a reading comprehension problem. While quoting the entire item posted by Anti-Christian you failed to read it. Christianity in any form is bogus and false. Also obviously cannot read forum rules either. Now kindly leave the testimonies forum, where your Christian views are not welcome.

[WhyBaby]

Anti-Christian, it sounds like you are an intelligent person who is carefully thinking through and challenging what have been past assumptions. Many people and certainly most Christians never do that. You should feel good about yourself and the progress you've made so far.

 

I have not suffered from OCD, but can relate to fear and depression issues. I grew up with the concept of "once-saved, always saved", so I didn't have the fear of hell. But I was always afraid of God's anger if I did (or said or thought) something wrong. Worse, even my best possible efforts were never good enough to please God.

 

Most people on this site can relate in some way. In one way or another, we're all trying to deprogram not just the things we're consciously aware of, but also the hidden things that creep up on us unexpectedly. Following reason and the dictates of your own heart is far better than trying to please a god-image.

 

Best wishes on your new path.

[Loren]

Note from moderator:

 

Woldeyesus post deleted.

[dichotomy]

I see that this was originally posted quite a few months ago but have read with interest and sadness. To think that you're only 21 and having all this to deal with. I've never heard of scrupulosity before coming to this sight but elements of your story sound familiar to me and awful too. I am so pleased for you that you are out of xianity now and that your OCD has gotten much better. I hope things have improved even more over the past months.