Another Year In The Same Life
Sat down at my desk Friday afternoon, and I thought, "Wow, I really fucking hate this." And, at that moment, as I am gazing through the poorly installed blinds of the front windowed side of the building, admiring the graveyard just across the road with its towering granite angels, and Jesus memorials weeping green streaks of algae -- I realized that what I hated was the lack of work while at work. There was no productivity in my day due to slowing business, and despite all my asking for extra to do, there was none to be had by anyone. So, I am thinking I would rather be doing something productive at home than sitting here on my duff, earning a paycheck by accomplishing nothing.
Technically, my day had ended by 2:30 p.m. that afternoon. We aren't allowed to have books, magazines, or newspapers at our desk, but it has been generally accepted get on the company net and read the weather and local news. This actually irritates me even more because there is plenty of reading I could be doing that is GOOD for me. And realizing just how ridiculous this whole line of thinking is, I am trying to stay rational and just appreciate having a paycheck....
Yeah, that's not working at all.
So, to make up for the 8 hours a day that I am absolutely sedentary - in the middle of winter- I quit caffeine. This seems to have tripled the dissatisfaction I am feeling, but it gives me the rationale that my unhappiness is simply due to the caffeine withdrawal. A fun little trick I learned in Church - ignoring the cause and filling in the gaps with a nonsensical delusion. So far, the cutting of the caffeine has yielded no benefit that is obvious, but I am drinking more water and eating a lot more fruit. Of course, I even bought a juicer....
I wonder if this is a mid-life crisis of sorts? I am not panicking, but any moment that is spent unproductive, or not the way I want, is really starting to irritate me on a major level. I don't feel a sense of time running out, just that it is being wasted. Making time for more enjoyable things, I have managed to cut time out wherever possible. Shit, I even got an additional dog to the one I already have!
Hmmmnnn... Maybe I DO need to work on slowing down.
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